Sibling matters really matter!
Sibling arguments can be challenging, here are some parenting strategies to ensure that navigation is as accurate and smooth as possible.
It is such a natural part of family life to have to deal with sibling issues. Children come in different shapes and sizes and their place in the family, age and temperament will determine how they respond to sibling matters. Do not be too surprised when there are fall outs and they say how they hate their brother or sister. The parent’s role is to negotiate their way through these times which will always be changing. The fact that family dynamics are constantly on the move as children grow and family circumstances shift, reminds us that we need not get too stressed when there is a sibling blow out! It is amazing how their feelings towards each other will vacillate according to shifting circumstances, mood, temperament and wellbeing. Don’t be surprised when the pendulum swings from one end to the other.
The parent’s role is to be the navigators through these situations. The following thoughts remind us not to worry too much, but to use some strategies to ensure that navigation is as accurate and smooth as possible:
When squabbles occur, remember to be an effective listener, but despite what you may think, do not take one side over the other.
Encourage them always to resolve matters themselves where possible. This is always the best option, but consider their age and capacity to work through the matter.
Try to be fair and just when discussing consequences. Make sure that the discipline given is understood and accepted by the child or children.
Keep in mind the age of your child. Younger children will not be able to comprehend the situation the same way as an older child can understand. Each child should be spoken to for age appropriateness and readiness to listen. This means that the nature of the discipline should fit their age.
Sometimes we worry far too much about their fights. Always check in with them as sometimes the dispute is already resolved and your involvement is not necessary.
On the positive side, having a sibling and learning to share, negotiate and sometimes compromise is a great way to learn life skills. So occasional fights and healthy resolutions can be a positive thing.
Remember it is your home and you set many of the rules. Sometimes they just have to go by the rules with no negotiation.
Being fair is so important as lack of fairness can build further resentment.
When talking about your children, avoid negative talk about one child in front of the other. This can be unsettling and misunderstood easily.
As a family, set up rules about how you deal with fights. Ensure fairness and listening to both sides is built into the plan.
Be aware that they see how you manage conflict with your partner, other children, family members etc. Your model is so important.
Always aim to problem solve. Invite both children to come up with ideas to resolve the matter and let them settle on a resolution where both needs are understood. Then check in later to see how it all went for both of them.
Remember that sibling relationships will include at times feelings of jealousy. Bickering is common and often they feel resentful. It is all about sharing affection and feeling that you have a fair share of family love. Try to give individual time to each child. It is amazing what you learn and your child feels happier being personally connected to you.
Pick the battles you think are necessary. Sometimes avoiding less significant issues means less conflict at home.
Always remain calm and steady when a conflict breaks out! Your emotional reaction can easily inflame a situation.
Try not to encourage competition between them. They are all different and celebrating differences is the key. Find time as a family to celebrate all their differences and make this a key feature of what you love about each of your children.
Being fair does mean that what they get does not always have to be equal. Teach them that there are different reasons for giving each child what they need. Remember siblings are the people you practise on in becoming a full human.
Plan family fun time together on a regular basis. This way, cooperation and happy moments together is valued in the family. When there is tension building with siblings, take them out for some exercise. Just breaking up those tense moments can defuse a situation. It’s all about being proactive and defusing potential conflict. Exercise is a great stress buster!
If you are giving some consequences to a child, don’t make it public. Embarrassment and feelings of being inferior in front of others can build long lasting resentment.
Finally, the fact that sibling issues occur across their family lifetime gives them the opportunity to grow in understanding important lessons in life such as forgiveness, tolerance, patience, empathy etc. Your strong presence in providing a climate where they feel they are dealt with fairly will fuel their emotional and social intelligence. This will help them forge strong effective relationships where they can live cooperatively with others.
‘Siblings: Your only enemy you can’t live without.’
Anonymous
Respect the difference each child brings to the family
Each child brings something different to the family. Each child is an individual and should be parented as an individual. Here are some thoughts on the matter from Gail Smith, The Primary Years.
How often do we hear ourselves uttering how different our children are?
We often ask the question,
‘How can they be so different and yet they come from the same family?’
‘Why is my second child so different in temperament to my first child?’
‘Where did I get these children from?’
So many confused and challenging thoughts go through our minds when we reflect on the often-profound differences we see in our children.
There is a different mixture of genes in each child and this will provide a variety of personalities, physical differences, etc. Also, each child has different experiences in the same family especially given their order in the family. They will often see the same situation in a completely different way.
Talk to the first child and they will tell you about expectations placed on them. Sometimes a second child takes more risks and is not so uptight and focussed on perfections. And so, the variation goes on.
What we need to keep in mind is that each child is an individual and will expect to be treated as an individual with understanding and empathy to their special temperament. Treating all children, the same may not always work.
Have you noticed that when you have your second child your parenting changes and this means that your second child will be treated slightly differently? There are multiple variations in how we parent over time and this is all part of the shifting tapestry of family over the years.
Consider:
How you parent should and will be different for all your children.
Children who tend to be active, unsettled and strong willed will require more attention and parenting will need to be focussed with lots of understanding and boundaries.
Celebrate their differences. Make it clear to all the family that you love their differences and that each one is a special individual. This is important as sibling rivalry can easily start up when differences are highlighted in a negative way.
Sometimes more demanding children will need more of your attention. This is normal and can sometimes make parents anxious that they are not giving enough time to quieter, less troubled children. You are human and can only spread yourself so far. It is just a fact that some children need you more. It happens in all families.
Tap into each child at a special one-on-one time. A child loves this time and it helps them feel personally connected to you.
A child loves their one-on-one time with you the parent and also, they love their connected time with siblings. Try and provide a balance so that the family enjoy stable happy times together where their individualism is still given room to grow. The more we acknowledge their differences, the greater symmetry you have as a family and the more understanding for each other is expressed.
‘Kids don’t remember what you try to teach them. They remember who you are.’
-Jim Henson
Dealing with the put downs
Nobody likes being put down. Children especially can begin to see putdowns as something they deserve or an indication that they are not worthy to be given credibility. No matter how we avoid them they often come our way, subtly or more directly.
If a child takes an aggressive response to the put down, the problem can quickly escalate. When the child responds by passively giving in and not responding, they can build resentment and this behaviour does not stop the put downs from coming their way. The best response is for a child to be assertive, expressing themselves in a way that clearly tells the offender that their behaviour was unacceptable. This assertive way of responding does not put the other person down which further shows maturity on the part of the child being put down.
The best way to be assertive is to state it clearly.
“I am upset that you speak that way. I find it offensive.”
“I am disappointed in your words. They are quite hurtful.”
“I don’t like the way you talk to me. It’s quite inappropriate.”
These responses are about informing the offender that their words are offensive. In no way does it seek retribution, but it puts the offender on notice that their words were not to be tolerated.
It is also about looking the offender in the eye, being clear in your speech and showing confidence in the way you calmly rebuff their accusations. This is about developing emotional maturity which helps the child respond in ways that give them a sense of being in control. As the parent you can help your child show assertiveness by the following:
Give the example of being assertive yourself when you feel spoken to or treated poorly.
Teach your child to use the “I” statement. Get them to practise them….
“I am disappointed when…”
“I am unhappy when…”
“I do not like your behaviour when…”
Once the child becomes familiar with using this language, they have a quick and effective way of responding to the person putting them down. The more they use it, the stronger they feel.
Discuss times when you used assertive approaches in your life and how you felt afterwards.
From time to time tap in with them in relation to how they feel about themselves when others speak poorly to them. Sometimes frequent and subtle put downs can build up considerable feelings of being bullied. Ignoring put downs can also encourage the offender to keep on with the attack.
In a classroom, it is common practice that teachers will role model how to be assertive and encourage children to use language that works. Whilst still taking responsibility when they see a child bullying another, they will still teach the offended child to be assertive to prevent future attacks and to recognise when words used are unacceptable.
The teacher will also instruct the child using an “I” statement to state clearly the reasons for the upset.
“I am angry when you laugh at my new glasses.”
“I feel very upset when you laugh at my stutter.”
Teachers will also encourage children to recognise when a put down is unacceptable. Accepting and tolerating put downs requires a maturity to determine the intent.
However, should put downs become unmanageable then adult intervention should take place. Take care to know when this is necessary as prolonged and unmanaged putdowns can turn into severe bullying.
Finally, you the parent through your own experiences can model when a put down is not acceptable. Your understanding of your child’s sensitivity and emotional maturity should give you the guidance to teach them how to be assertive and in control at any age.
“Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us.”