Dealing with a child’s fears
Here are some parenting suggestions to help children work through and potentially overcome their fears.
Fears can come at any time. They can be mild-mannered or driven by some former experience that left them fearful. Fears can also be linked to low self-esteem, where a child feels more prone to be vulnerable. Sometimes a child can outgrow them. Sometimes fears can linger longer if not effectively dealt with at the time.
It is natural for a child to have some fears. As a human race, fears were part of prehistoric man to help us work out survival tactics. With a child, we need early identification and working with the child in understanding its source and finding strategies to deal with it.
We understand that fears can come at any surprising and unexpected time and be triggered in different ways. The following thoughts are to help our child understand and deal with fear:
When you see your child upset and showing signs of being frightened, respect that it is real for your child. Never underestimate the fear and underplay its importance. They need to feel sure that you believe them.
Ask them to describe their fear, if possible in detail, hopefully they can tell you how they feel and when and how it manifests itself. Talk about a strategy to try to reduce the fear. Brainstorm some ideas together. For example, if it’s fear of the dark, talk together about options such as using a soft bedroom light etc. Working it through together is important and reassuring for the child. Here you show them they are not alone with their fear.
After deciding together on a strategy, trial it and later come back to the child to see how it went. Be prepared to keep visiting the fear if still not under control. Every attempt is trial and error.
Let them express all their feelings when talking about their fear. The more they are heard and the more they talk about it, some reduction of the fear can occur.
Children feel safe with routine and familiar settings. Try to bring them into the solution when finding ways forward. Working through the fear is not a time to introduce new stimuli.
Talk about some strategies you use to help with fear. Discuss taking deep breaths, talking to friends, listening to music etc. Can they suggest some strategies that will make them feel more secure?
Applaud their own efforts in getting on top of the fear. The more they learn to develop their own techniques, the better and often quicker, a satisfactory outcome. There is nothing more healing than doing it yourself!
There are some wonderful books on dealing with fears. Check with your library or school.
The more you talk openly about how natural it is to sometimes have fears, the more it seems as part of life and less mystifying and isolating.
Never forget the value of your teacher. They may have some suggestions and even follow-through activities to do at school to support the concern.
Finally, as your child grows, their emotional growth becomes stronger. They begin to reason and rationalise in ways that can help them work through fears or at least understand them better. Your support over the years in listening, being empathetic and respecting their fears will give them the courage and fortitude to be in control when fearful obstacles potentially come their way.
‘Thinking will not overcome fear but action will.’
W. Clement Stone
8 quick tips to keep the mood positive in these tricky times
With the lockdown yet again comes some very low, unsettling feelings for some families. Here are some quick tips to keep a positive momentum happening at home in the long days.
Be positive. Talk to your child about the life-saving measures of lockdown including the fact that our government is putting our safety ahead of all other matters. This is an important part of a humane society. Try to keep the political discussion out of it.
Talk about the amazing speed of vaccine development. It has happened so quickly and very skilled scientists are working around the clock to improve our health and to find solutions quickly.
Talk about contact tracing and how measures are put in place to locate people exposed to the virus. The organisation in this exercise is immense.
Keep the work online in proportion to the day’s events. Too much online school activities can make for being alone and unhappy. It is hard to feel successful while working online with school activities. Build in sport or some other recreation and spontaneous laughter during the day. After all, this is a quality time to be with the family, where there is the least interference.
Give your child updated information, age-appropriate of course. With all the negative and unsettling news, children need the truth about the state of the coronavirus outbreak.
Keep them away from unsettling newspapers that focus on dramatic headlines that are questionable in truth. This is not a time for whipping up more anxiety.
Build a few happy, surprise treats into the day. A little bit of extra sugar won’t hurt but can lift the spirits across the days. We are in unique times and we just need to be creative in the way we engage with our family. We need to be more flexible and use our initiative to break the tension that builds.
Whilst I am always arguing about monitoring the use of technology in the hands of children, now is an important time for them to be in touch with their friends. Talking to friendship groups is comforting and reassuring for children.
Finally, keep in mind that your children will look back on these extreme times and appreciate how you managed their journey through the pandemic and most especially, the lockdowns etc. Being present for them, conscious to keep a happy momentum, informing accurately and capitalising on quality time together is the answer to managing these difficult times.
“Laughter is a tranquiller with no side effects.”
Let’s take away the fear and replace it with positive thinking.
At the moment we see and feel so much fear in the community. It is quite impossible that our children are exempt from feeling the overall anxiety in the air. Also, if your children are in supermarkets, they see the emptiness on shelves and see the anxiety on people’s faces as we all struggle to interpret the great loss and the feeling of deprivation. It is quite a grief for all to see such emptiness.
Let’s take away the fear and replace it with positive thinking.
Children will retain such information and even possibly think about those empty shelves later. It doesn’t take much for their fear to rise when they see the adults in their life, feeling the pain. So, what to do?
Let’s simply be positive around our children. Tell them that all the precautions are for the good of society. How lucky we are to live in a society where we can arrange things to get better. We have many smart people in our world helping with this situation.
Let them know how clever people in our Government have put in restrictions to stop the problem from spreading and that is a positive. This is not a time to be politically commenting on politicians. It is about teaching our children that we are all pulling together.
Let them know that the sooner we stop big gatherings, the sooner we can return to them safely but we must be patient.
Given that you may have more family time together be optimistic and plan doing more activities in the house. Is there some project you can work on together?
Of course, games, puzzles, reading etc. are wonderful entertainers. How about setting up a drawing corner. Suggest they draw happy activities that they like to do.
Sing together. This is a great fun way to work through the situation. How about working out a rap song that is all about washing your hands well. Perhaps you can write songs that are all about finding safe ways to be during the difficult times.
This is a great time to revive the backyard. How often can you go out together and play?
Talk about the wonderful skill of our professionals such as doctors, immunologists, etc. who are working on the major problem of coronavirus. Imagine that in a few months they will have controlled the spread!
Talk about how wonderful it is that every country in the world is acting positively to stop the problem. This is global action at work.
Avoid exposing your children to conversations that highlight the negative and focus on the anxiety. Incidental chats can be quite damaging.
On the other hand, incidental chats about how you noticed people being helpful etc, provides ongoing reassurance.
Talk about the people you know who show clever ways to cope during this time.
Given that there is a prolonged wait where children will not be active through their sports activities etc, ensure that as a family you are actively engaged. Bike rides and scooters in the park, ball games and picnics in grassy spots could be fun to do as a family. The more active, the better mental health for the whole family.
Cook together. This is a great time for children to indulge themselves in baking at home.
Listen to music and dance together. Music is such a positive influence on everyone feeling better.
Watch some feel-good movies as a family. This is always a comforting time for children.
Avoid having television or radio on that is talking about the coronavirus. Young children only pick up on the negativism and do not grasp the whole content of the conversation. They would certainly feel the negative tone of the conversation.
The focus is on being busy and keeping positive. This will reduce the child’s worry that all is doom and gloom. For the child, an important factor is their parent’s feeling of being secure. This is not a time for uptight parents who focus on too much control.
The children will rely on your positivism to reassure them that in the end, all will be well.
What you want them to remember after it is over is not the fear but rather the great initiatives taken to solve the problem both at home and on the global stage. That is what should linger in their minds.
Being positive is not about denying the truth. It is, in fact, teaching your child that every situation can be seen from many angles. It is giving your child skills in managing anxiety for themselves.
Who knows by building more optimism in the family, it lingers longer and becomes a family trait?
“The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.”