The importance of feeling anger and disappointment.

Strange title you must be thinking. However, this is all about the child experiencing feelings that make them unsettled and uncomfortable from time to time. This is all about strengthening their emotional growth.

We know that children grow existentially when they feel success, but this only comes after they appreciate failure and some disappointment. In my experience, as a Principal, parents who almost disallow their child from feeling disappointment are hindering their child's emotional and often social growth. By this, I mean when a parent tries to take the pain away by blaming others or taking over the problem. I appreciate that a parent must guide and protect their child from reasonable harm, but without some punches, the child will only expect the parent to solve the problem for them. This sets the child up for failure down the track. It also models to the child that they do not have to manage their affairs themselves.

I would be quite concerned when parents wanted a meeting, but insisted that their child be present. In some cases this went very well, but quite often the meeting was merely to show to the child that the parent would solve their problem for them. No surprises when I tell you these meetings I ensured were very short!

The following thoughts help build the child's belief in their own abilities to solve problems.

• As a family, ask the child to chat about their problems as you are open to listen without judgement and certainly you are empathetic to their concerns. The key here is that the child isn't expecting you to solve the problem.
• Talk openly about some problems you have had to work on over time.
• In working with some children I discovered they became anxious about telling their parents as they were concerned that they would take over the problem and cause upset for them at school. Remaining calm and interested in the problem is the key.
• Discuss optional ways the child could solve the problem but always recognising their ideas are very valid. Then give them a chance to “have a go.”
• Applaud their efforts in self managing the problem,whether they succeed or not. This is about recognising how they develop their own strategies.
• If they come back with the issue unresolved that is the time to discuss you engagement in the problem.

In my experience, once they succeed in working through an issue, they become more interested in solving the next problem. Success breeds success and the more a child self manages their issues, the more they attract like minded children.

Children who succeed in working through an issue, become more interested in solving the next problem.

Relationship break ups and other situations that lead to crisis.

We all would like to have a perfect existence without crisis or trauma of any kind. Sadly, life creeps into our perfect world and with this, can come grief and trauma.

The topic of dealing with trauma is quite complex. However, I am very aware of some typical feelings and responses that children have to trauma given my work with them in the school setting.

No matter what the crisis situation that has occurred in the family, many children will for a while shut down their emotions. They can appear quiet and in many cases, their work at school falls back considerably. This is because the shock of what has happened has forced their body to protect itself and learning is not high on their survival list at that time.

One of the early feelings a child can have especially if it is about a family separation is a feeling of self-guilt. They question whether they caused the problem. Another major fear is that if they lose one parent what if they lost both parents?

These thoughts play heavily on their little minds and though irrational to an adult is actually genuine fears for the child. Also, the death of a grandparent who was a close member of the family can be another trigger for distress for the child. They see how upset their parents are and they worry about how this impacts on them.

I could go on with many examples, but the key factor here is that children will experience feelings of grief and they particularly look at their changing vulnerable relationship with their parents.

My first thought here is to say that children should go through the natural process of grief. We need to take care that we do not shut them off from the reality of life. It takes a village to bring up a child and death and trauma of different sorts are part of that village.

Our response to their needs at the time of trauma can be demanding given that the parent is experiencing such deep, personal feelings at that time. 

Here are some suggestions that I feel help the child at that critical time in everyone's life.

• Remember that together you are sharing the grief. Children need honesty more than ever at this time and when a crisis in a family comes, in a careful and planned way it is important to talk to the child about the issue. Try not to avoid telling them for some time.

• Choose the right time and the right place to tell them what is happening. Children can fixate on that situation later and so it needs to be in a calm and reassuring space. It also should be a time when you are appropriately ready to talk to them about the matter. Lead into the conversation with something like:

“I need to talk to you about something that is making everyone sad at the moment.......”

Making a  gentle entry into what you need to talk about gives the child time to prepare their thoughts.

• Remember that when you first tell a child about a relationship break up, death etc. they will only process a little of what you tell them. Speak with clarity and to the point. Going into long explanations when first telling a child about the issue will not be effective. They will only hear the main fact. As time progresses they will ask more questions and when ready, this is a time to talk in more detail.

• Take care that in dealing with a parent's personal grief, the child is not brought into any negative discussion. This is particularly something to watch when there are relations breakups.

Keep in mind that in the early stages a child will be anxious about themselves and their primary securities around them. They may lose some personal confidence for a while and behaviour changes may occur. This is a time to reinforce that they are loved and that supports around them are strong and always present. Reassurance that relationships with the child remain intact is such a critical part of dealing with their grief, especially in the early stages.

If as a parent you are struggling with your own emotions, choose carefully the time to talk to the child. Most children actually have a very clear understanding of your pain and look to see if in any way that changes their relationship with you. I always remember a child telling me that they never talked to their parent about the matter as they always looked so sad and it would cause them to be sadder.

Grief changes over time and with professional support for all the family, families can move on with their life even though changes have occurred that will permanently alter their world as they know it.

The key point here is that children are very astute when it comes to recognising sadness and distress in the family. They are like a hound dog and can quickly sniff out emotional shifts. Remember to include them in the journey of change after trauma has occurred. Whilst we prefer to shelter them, it is best to build their emotional stamina so that they too can move on with strength and greater capacity to understand life in all its shapes and forms. Within a family, all aspects of life occur and it is a perfect environment to grow across so many aspects of life.

If as a parent you are struggling with your own emotions, choose carefully the time to talk to the child.

How to give children a way of understanding failure.

Growing up is such a learning curve on so many levels!

As an adult we understand through our developed emotional intelligence that failure happens to all of us. We also understand that sometimes it takes time and effort to turn failure into success.

We also learn that failure is another way of learning and growing stronger.

A child who has less experience and is not emotionally mature enough to understand failure can see it as quite a blocker to their learning. They can shut down quite easily, being more comfortable in not doing anything rather than “having a go”. The more frequently this happens, the longer it takes to change the patterns.

It is quite common to hear parents comment on how their child has stopped trying as they are scared of failure. After all, in their mind, the best defence is just not doing the work, if it gives you feelings of being unsuccessful. As a parent, this can be quite daunting, especially if you feel that you are always affirming them for their efforts.

I have seen this pattern in many children and no surprises, it is often the first child that struggles in this area. There is no simple answer, as it does require the child developing a set of skills to overcome this fear and this takes time and perseverance on the part of the supporting family. Below are some suggestions for supporting your child's developing  emotional awareness.

With a child who is finding their work never adequate or good enough, affirm different aspects of their work not just offering an overall affirmation.

“I really like the way you drew the line on the page. It's very straight”

 “I am so impressed that you started that sentence well.”

Here you are building positive comments in that are real and the child can see that it is genuine.  But take care not to constantly affirm as the child disengages from excessive, general affirmation.

Talk openly about failures that you have had to deal with and discuss the ways you solved the problem or at least handled the situation. Here you are reinforcing the concept that failure is part of everyday life. This is effective coaching without forcing solutions on a child.

There are wonderful books on building self worth and coping with failure. Book stores that cover emotion and feelings are excellent for this purpose. As you read the stories of how failure was a process that a child had to work through, discuss similar times in your own life.

Keep a success journal. This means that every time your child has felt that they overcome a feeling of failure, write about it as a family. Remember, we are affirming the efforts or tools that the child used to overcome the fear.

Also a success jar is fun where you add a marble every time a child works through a fear of failure.

Talk to your child's teacher about the areas that they notice cause anxiety in your child. This gives you some ideas on what areas to affirm at home. Remember to be specific when affirming.

Use the scale approach.

“You are anxious about that test? On a scale of one to ten how do you feel? Now what can we do to drop that number and slow the anxiety down?”

Here you acknowledge that sometimes you will still have anxiety about the problem but by finding ways to lower the fear, you can cope so much better.

Keep in mind that it is important to recognise their fears and not downplay their importance. This way they know you are really listening to them.

“It sounds to me like you are really worried about talking in front of the class. Tell me more about that feeling.” By listening honestly, the child will be comfortable in talking about their fears.

Discuss with the whole family how important it is to acknowledge the child's fear and encourage other less stressed siblings to not underplay their fear.

Learning to cope with fear is a gradual process and once a child develops some tools to cope better and feels success from this, they begin to strengthen their emotional maturity and identify in themselves the cues that lead to fear of failure.

Affirmation for your child's good work and success is important.  How much is too much and when is it needed?

What does a child think about a parent's expectations?

What a big topic. This can become and messy!

Most parents will tell a teacher that they expect high but realistic expectations for their child's achievements. Most parents will also tell you that they regularly affirm their children's work and that they encourage them to do their best.  They will also add that at no point to do they criticise their children for poor work. However, some children still feel undervalued and unsuccessful which can lead to lack of motivation from the child.

A tricky problem if you are a parent just wanting the best for your child!

When I worked with children struggling with their perceived lack of performance and personal image, the following was clearly evident.

• The child had through some way, felt that their parents were not proud of them. They also believed that what they did just wasn't making them valued the way that they wanted to be valued.
• Their perception was quite a blocker for parents who thought that they were affirming their children adequately.

The answer can be quite complex but the following tools can help parents in presenting a strong image of support for their child. These tools have worked well with some families.

Try using the following:

 Always talk about the positive using an “I” statement.

“I appreciate all your efforts today.”

“I like the work you have done. It makes me see all the effort you made.”

Also occasionally saying:

“Sometimes I found it hard to do well myself and I feel so glad that you are having a go at everything you do. This makes me proud”.

The emphasis here is on the child understanding that their work has had an impact on you. For some children, this extra parental reinforcement is so necessary.

Also just affirming simple activities that we take for granted can be helpful in reassuring the child.

“Thanks for helping me with the groceries. I feel less tired now.”

“ I love your smile. It makes me happy.”

Some children just need more affirmation and reassurance that they are valued. It may not be the case for all the children in your family who may need less personal reassurance.

Every child has their own emotional journey. Sometimes the order of the family can have an impact on where you see yourself, being an only child or just dealing with strong sibling personalities can shape your perceptions. Whatever the reason, every child will respond to their parents differently, subject to how emotionally secure they feel in the eyes of their parents.

Keep in mind:

• How you treat each child in the family may require different treatment.
• No child is a mirror image of their siblings.
• Every child listens carefully for parental reassurance, some listen more closely and need to hear it more often.

Every child listens carefully for parental reassurance, some listen more closely and need to hear it more often.

Who agrees with who in parenting?

Have you discovered since becoming a parent how different both parents can be when it comes to parenting styles? This is quite common in families.

In facilitating parent courses, it was quite common to hear parents say that their styles of parenting were quite different. Often it was based on how they were brought up as a child. This can be quite daunting for couples who think they are so compatible on so many levels!

Often we don't think about how we will react as a parent to a child's behaviour until it actually happens!

It is quite normal to have different approaches to rearing a child. After all, it is hard to change how your understand child rearing given your own journey as a child, be it positive or negative. The key approach is to simply agree that at times you will have different understandings of the problem at hand.  The child certainly knows this and no surprises that they gravitate around the parent that is less punitive and has more listening skills. After all, didn't we do that ourselves when growing up?

Consider the following points when managing parent issues:

• Both parents should talk to their child recognising that sometimes mum or dad may see matters differently and that this is normal.
• Agree that sometimes mum may deal with issues and sometimes dad. Of course all issues will be discussed as a family.
• What is most important is that the child does not side one parent off with the other. This is where it gets complicated. Children are very aware of how parents can have different opinions on matters pertaining to all sorts of things such as homework, staying out late, tidiness, etc.

Whoever deals with the issue should maintain the following:

• Listen effectively.
• Respond calmly and then actively listen to the concern.
• After agreeing to understand the issue start negotiating. In the negotiation stage, this is where parents may have different expectations and this is quite acceptable.
•  If both parents use this same approach, the child will feel that they have been dealt with fairly and consistently. They will also recognise that whilst parents have different expectations, they still listen and negotiate in the same way.

This topic was the cause of much discussion in my parent groups and we all agreed that sometimes it was better to let one parent deal with certain situations as they were less emotive or at least more familiar with the matter under discussion.

So in summary, parents should use the same method of working through the problem and negotiate with your interests or investments to be included.

It is quite normal to have different approaches to rearing a child.

Being still and really present to a child.

Remember the old saying, “children should be seen and not heard”. It should be more like “children should be seen and really heard in a deep and positive way.”

How hard is this to achieve when the family home is such a busy place with many competing interests across the week.

In my experience both in working as a Principal and as a Counsellor, really attending to a child when they have something important to talk about gives you optimum opportunity to really hear the problem and the child feels that they have been really heard.

I would often hear children say “my parents don't listen to me”. They are really saying that they do not have the real opportunity to be properly heard and that their feelings are given value and credibility.

Sometimes this can be done very simply and sometimes a family needs to coordinate a set time to have such engagements.

Being really present to the child involves giving all your time and attention to the child without distractions. It involves using warm, positive eye contact and listening without interrupting or showing body language that can be judgemental. It is about being calm, silent, steady and listening with an open heart.

By maintaining this state, the child feels that they have the space to keep talking and that it is a safe, respectful space, where they can say anything. After the child has said what they wanted to talk about you are in a privileged position to discuss what they had to say. This is without bias and without being too quick to judge.

This really deep form of listening opens up so many opportunities for the child. They feel so valued when the parents is truly present in conversations this way.

Doors close in conversation quickly when interruptions or changed body language occurs. As a parent, it is about finding that one on one time for your child. 

I often found that once a child has been really heard, they are more in tune with working out solutions. Keep in mind that children gravitate around family members that calmly and respectfully listen. I believe this applies to all of us!

I often found that once a child has been really heard, they are more in tune with working out solutions.

Giving your child tools to defend themselves.

It is hard work sticking up for yourself as a little one on the yard or just simply feeling empowered when other children act inappropriately towards you. The following is about teaching your child, or a child in your care some simple “I” statements that give them a sense of control and that do not lead to unnecessary conflict.

Sit with your child and talk about the feelings they have often when things go wrong. They will come up with feelings like angry, upset, unhappy, frightened.

Simple words will help when your child is feeling feeling unsettled in any situation.

Then teach them how to use those words when feeling unsettled in any situation.  For example:

• "I am unhappy when you hit me."
• "I am angry when you take my book."
• "I am frightened when you shout at me."

You are teaching them to use the “I” followed by the feeling they have and the act that upsets them.

Practice this at home in any situation that may occur between siblings. When you see your child upset, discuss how to express it with an “I” statement. Firstly, find out what negative emotions they are experiencing.

By teaching them to express their feelings about someone else's behaviour you are giving them tools to manage their problems. This is a very healthy way for them to express their frustrations and it gives them more ownership of their unsettling emotions.

Of course, practice is necessary but once a child sees the value and feels successful, they will begin to automatically use this technique.

Technology, a challenge in family life.

As a school Principal and working with children through counselling over many years, I have seen how the growing passion for technology has skyrocketed with our young ones. Children develop skills from an early age that baffle parents. They soon discover that it opens up a whole new world of connection with friends and the outside influences of the bigger world. This can occur as early as seven or eight years of age or even earlier!

At a primary age, they are definitely keen to network and feel valued in talking to friends through many of the social media tools that they can access.

It can't be stopped, but as parents, it is an area that does need monitoring.

Here are some practical suggestions to help the child through the minefield of managing technology as a young, vulnerable person. I liken it to a child driving a powerful truck. They understand how to drive the truck but do not have the skills to manage it.

• Discuss with your child where the computer should be situated in the house. The younger the child, the more visible should be the child using technology.
• Ensure that child safety blocking is placed on any computer, Ipads, phones etc. in the house.
• Attend a cyberbullying information session to learn about the legal age for children using certain social media. Often schools will facilitate such evenings, local community centres etc. It is best to attend one just as a parent as often information is given which can be quite daunting regarding the damage done to children through the inappropriate use of technology.
• Attend a session on cyberbullying with your child. This invites sound conversation together.
• Talk to your child about the use of chat media such as facebook, etc. Explain how everything written is kept in the Cloud and does not go away!

I have seen some parents draw up a contract with children on how technology will be used in the house. This is done at school with all students.

Keep the balance with family life. Active children engaged in sport etc. will be drawn to alternative ways to socialise and be active. This puts balance into their life and reduces concentrated hours in engaging with social media. Their social engagement is on the sports fields, stages, art classes etc.

Check the time children are using their computer and agree that there is a turn on and turn off time in the house. Of course, we need to give this example as a parent ourselves. Our modelling in using technology and teaching life balance is a critical factor in demonstrating to the child that technology is but one aspect of life.

As a family discuss technology and how it has influenced major changes in the world. Also, engage in conversations about its limitations.

Keep technology as visible as possible in the house and limit a child's time on their own using technology in the isolation of their bedroom. Remember the house is still seen as a technology friendly home.

Some parents have reconstructed their family living areas to make access and communal awareness of the use of technology.

Learn about how your child's school handles technology. Reading their technology policies gives you a strong indication of how good habits in technology are taught and managed.

Some final thoughts.

• Ensure the child knows that you value technology. Talk about it as a positive tool that has made such a difference to the world. However, as a tool, it can be used inappropriately and must be managed well.
• In the family, managing technology is an important rule which we talk about frequently, just as we discuss homework patterns etc.
• As a family, technology is just one part of our life as demonstrated by all the various activities we do as a family.
• Talk openly to your child about how you use technology in your life.
• Keep well informed on current information regarding the latest social media tools that are influencing children.
• Sometimes children will access inappropriate social media through visiting other homes. Discuss with these families your thoughts on this matter.
• Whilst you cannot control how other families use technology you can educate your child on its best use and invite them to feel comfortable in talking to you about how other homes operate with technology.
• Visit your child's classroom when they are using technology. This gives you a sound understanding of how technology is used in the classroom and an opportunity to chat at home about its use.
• Remember your home should develop a family communication style that enables a child to talk about technology comfortably.                        

Children develop skills from an early age that baffle parents.

Every day is different even for children.

What's in a  bad day? Every child deserves a bad day. This, of course, means that there will be some days where a child just simply isn't as happy or as active or interested as normal. There is a tendency to think that having a bad day is a privilege of adults. Not So!

Sometimes children are just not feeling at their best. This can be for a range of reasons, not dissimilar from an adult. Sometimes tiredness, emotional upset, disappointments etc. can reduce happiness levels temporarily. We often are not fully aware of these feelings but we know that we are not operating at our best.

What to do? Just accept that a child has the right to a bad day and lower expectations and questions. Probing a child as to why they are feeling down can only cause confusion in a child who feels that to make a parent happy they must be always operating the same way.

Remember a child is keen to have themselves valued by their parents and so they try very hard not to disappoint.

Some positive talk when a child has a bad day could include:

• “I sometimes feel down and need time to pick myself up.”
• “Having a low day can give us time to look forward to a better day.”
• “Low days are preparing for the better days”
• “When I have a low day, I like to.....have a bath, go for a  walk etc...

The key message here is that having a bad day occasionally is normal. You understand as a parent that they need some space.

We all have bad days now and again.

What do we do when we don't like the behaviour?

Have you ever felt negatively about your child? Some parents tell me that they often feel guilty as they have negative feelings about their child. This is quite natural. What you are feeling is just a dislike for their behaviour which can be unsettling, embarrassing, tiring etc. What we need to remember is that it is just the behaviour and not the child that unsettles us.

When working with children, I often notice that the expression a child has on their face can influence whether people believe the child or doubt them. Sometimes these expressions can be misleading as they represent feeling insecure and uncertain. They do not often reflect that the child does not care about the behaviour. So I recommend not judging a child's expression as often it just reflects an inability to deal with the situation.

As a parent, think about the following when feeling unsettled about the behaviour;

1. I love my child but I don't like the behaviour, therefore, we talk just about the behaviour.  "I really don't like what just happened. We need to understand what really happened so that we can move on.”
2. Always reaffirm the child after working through the behaviour matter. This reassures them that everything is back to normal.
3. Sometimes writing notes of reassurance gives the child a feeling that you have moved on. The note could say,” thanks for solving that problem that was on my mind. Now we can look forward to..........."

It is all about separating the behaviour from the child, reassuring the child that we move on from mistakes and grow through the process, maintaining a healthy, long-lasting relationship.

Don't like the behaviour? Remember, it's the behaviour, not child.

Keep it cool. A calm, steady parent wins the day!

When your children tell you something that might be a surprise or even a shock, be cool about it. Show them that you are very interested in what they said and would like to learn more. You may be really in shock, especially if it's of a big nature. Children will talk more to us about their issues if they think parents are calm and will listen. If they see a reaction, they are more inclined to shut down or not tell us at all.

Keep chatting about what is on their mind. They look for our reaction throughout the conversation.

A friend told me that her son informed her that when he was younger and moved to a secondary school he was offered drugs on his very first day. The horrified mother said that had she known, she would have been up to that school and sorted it out very quickly. The son,  (now twenty one years of age) said "and that mum is why I never told you". I suspect that if her son felt his parents would work through the issue calmly, he may have told them.

Our children will talk to us about serious matters if they know we listen with understanding. We are better equipped then to show empathy and work through the problem together. So be cool when chatting about matters that can be serious. This way you respect what they have to say without making early judgements.

When children talked to me about matters concerning them in the school setting, I  would usually begin by saying, "It sounds like you have a problem. Thanks for talking to me". This sets the scene for a calm discussion. 

How can you encourage your child to discuss serious subjects?

Have you ever just sat and played with sand?

We have found that children whose emotions rise high can easily calm down just simply sitting and immersing themselves in sand. This is so successful in our school setting that many teachers request a sand tray for their class rooms!. The therapy is very effective and so simple to set up. A child who is angry still needs some support in regulating his or her emotions. The calm distraction of the sand tray works magic!

I would recommend having a tray at home especially if you have a young child who cannot articulate their feelings and who are prone to building up anger very quickly. I find that as the child calms down, talking to the child gently is a way for them to gradually talk about their frustrations and regulate their emotions. Also playing with them in the sand tray gives them a  shared experience with the parent.These sand trays are wonderful also for children on the spectrum who have difficulty in expressing themselves. Sometimes a child will create images in the sand that express their feelings. This makes it easier to talk to them specifically about their problems. Sometimes just simply playing with the sand is therapeutic and regulates high emotions.

Many well stocked educational shops will have the sand that is suitable for this sand tray.

In my office sat a very well used sand tray! 

Simply playing in the sand can reduce stress.

Weigh it up

Children really enjoy using practical tools to help reflect on their feelings. They enjoy touching and feeling objects and working in practical ways.

Try using your scales at home. Collect a few pebbles. The child, when chatting about their problems, can put a pebble on the scale.

"Hmm that's a heavy problem?"

As the pebbles mount, talk about how these problems just weigh you down. Then invite them to talk about happy experiences that may lighten their load. Put these pebbles on the other side of the scale. Talk about times when they were able to solve their problems. 

Sometimes just putting the pebbles on the problem side is enough. As you talk about what can take that problem away, you remove the pebbles and comment on how things seem lighter.

" It seems you worked out how to solve that problem."

When I have used this activity with children they are often keen to paint faces on the rocks to express their feelings. This could be an activity to do with them before you use the scales. 

There are many variations of this idea. For example, putting the rocks in a bag and just feeling the weight.

"Problems can be heavy can't they?"

The principle is about children reflecting on lightening their load. It is amazing how such a practical and simple activity can make a difference with the younger child. In a child's mind, problems just mount throughout the week and can quickly seem insurmountable. Many of these problems can melt away quickly with such a simple activity and positive talk. Sometimes a child will just play with the rocks and talk about their problems.

There's easy strategies to help lighten your childs load.

We all have different ways of seeing the world.

Every home is different. Every family operates at their own pace and in their own style. This is sometimes complicated by two parents who operate differently around their child when it comes to discipline, generosity etc.

It is hard to teach the children values when all around in other families are different scenarios. It is not uncommon to hear parents says that the pressure is on them as they do not approve of certain things that operate in other homes. For example, when to give a child an Ipad, what can they watch on television? How much free time do they have? Every family will have their own momentum which brings out the best and sometimes the worst with our children.

The best advice to give families is to include the following values when setting up arrangements in the family home.

• Firstly be consistent, if you have a rule, then doing your best in being consistent will show the child that the rule has value in your eyes.
• Listen with interest when they tell you how other children have more opportunities than themselves. Gently explain that you work under a different plan and that negotiation can be part of it as time moves on. For example, you may have rules about bedtime. As the child gets older, that rule can shift to suit the age of the child.
• Technology is a big challenge for parents and setting the rules around its use should be done so that the child is really clear how it works in their home.
• Have a family conference from time to time to look at the rules and conditions that have been set up. They may need some tweeking and this is chance to listen to your child about their desire for change.
• Sometimes putting reminders on fridges is a great way to freshen family values.
• Affirm the child for being part of the family arrangements which can change by negotiation.

I have heard of some families going out to celebrate a successful month in working on home matters. Teaching your child to be inclusive is all about being part of a team.

Whatever the plan in your home, keep in mind that the child should feel included, understood and valued. What you teach them by doing this is that their opinion matters as a family member.

Creating space can be a life saver

Teachers know this trick very well. They use it often throughout the school day

For them, it is all about the value of creating space when things get too heated in the classroom.

When you experience tension at home in dealing with issues or you can sense that eruptions are about to occur after a build up of tension between the child and yourself, or child to child, the best solution is to walk away from it and create some positive space.

This could be through a walk, a change of rooms, exercise etc. Getting outdoors is a great refresh button. It is all about creating psychological space so that the heightened tension drops down a  notch or too.

Don't underestimate the value of just resting from the tension. Teachers will often take their children outside for a run or a quick game to break the cycle and this certainly makes everyone more at ease. It is a simple solution as a stress buster but highly effective.

In Japan, it is quite common that office workers will stand from their seats, stretch and exercise on a regular basis to freshen their mindset and get their circulation going.

Creating this space means that when you get back to facing the issue, you are better equipped to handle the situation calmly and with reason.

 Just a simple break can lower the tension and raise positive vibes.

The benefits of a simple break can reaise positive vibes

Be snap happy.

All children love a game of snap. It is so easy to play and much fun in the process.  Ask the child at home to  write on pieces of cardboard, the feelings that are important to them. For example, they could be happy, excited, feel anger sometimes etc. Also write feelings that sometimes can interfere on happy feelings such as sad, embarrassed angry, hurt, worried. Make up two sets of cards and tell the child that when they snap, they talk about that feeling and how best to manage it.

This is an excellent  way to enjoy talking about feelings that from time to time unsettle the child. Discussing the feeling through the game, puts the feeling out in the open and parents can talk about how they dealt with their feelings. The game enables everyone to openly discuss feelings and in the midst of it, the child  talks freely about emotions that we all share. Getting it out in the open is such a great way of understanding the human face of emotions.

Sometimes when a new emotion appears, for example, shyness suggest we could add this feeling to our cards. Counselors often use card games as a way of getting conversation started.

Discussing feeling through a game, helps to draw feeling out into the open.

A picture is worth a thousand words

Sometimes younger children struggle to understand how to deal with a situation that can overwhelm them. This could be about finding friends or it could be trying to work out how to play with other children. One way to help a child is to simply draw the story. How best to play, for example. The first page shows the child meeting the friend. The second page may show them greeting the child and the third page could be about what to say such as, "can I play with you?".

The story unfolds through the simple pictures. Keep the pictures and story simple. We call this a social story and they work very well with children who cannot respond well to just being told what to do.  Some children do not process the problem easily through discussion.

I have used this with many a child and they love telling the story through the pictures. The child especially enjoys telling you how successful they were when they went through the process and followed the picture book. A social story can change if you find it needs a new direction. Children learn through visual images and when they are emotional about matters, pictures speak a thousand words. Simple drawings can say many unspoken words which gives the child a chance to express their feelings comfortably. To help a young child, the parents can draw their own social story to help the child understand the value of the pictures.

How can we help our children through a simple drawing?

"I" Statements

These are great tools when communicating messages to children. The Parent Effectiveness Training Course as devised by Dr Thomas Gordon teaches about 'I' statements. I highly recommend this course to parents. 

These are great tools when communicating messages to children.

For example:

”I am sad that you have not finished your meal”,

“I am happy that you can play at school”,

“I am disappointed that you don’t clean your room and now I have more work to do”.

These are effective ways to communicate messages. It is a clear precise way to talk to children.

Note the emphasis is on how their behaviour has impacted on you.

Therefore, we are not criticising the behaviour, rather the impact it has on the parent.

”I” statements stimulate the child’s thinking ability. They are more inclined to change the child’s behaviour.

Try and avoid using the word, ”YOU” when referring to your child. We know that this implies a sense of judgement and using a child’s name more frequently is a better option, it suggests a deeper relationship.

Building Social Stamina in children

Establishing friendship groups is important. Encourage children to play with as many of their classmates as they wish.

Children need to feel comfortable moving in and out of different social groups. The more they accept differences, the more emotionally mature they grow.

The child must be happy in order to succeed. Talk to your child’s teacher if this changes. It is important to let them know if there are any changes in home life or if other circumstances are likely to distress your child.

Stress on children can impact on their performance in school. Keeping your teacher informed with regard to changing circumstances will help them plan effectively for your child. School provides many challenges.

Your child will be exposed to many different values and ideas. Work through issues gently with your child, encouraging them to understand that all families are different and occasionally have different opinions as well.

Ensure that your child attends all school activities as this will help them feel strongly connected to the school.

We know that early learning at school will have a profound effect on your child’s attitude or disposition towards learning. Therefore, supporting the teacher and working closely with the school is important in ensuring that the early learning experiences are rich and fulfilling.

Your child needs a positive disposition in order to succeed at school. This involves building enthusiasm, being confident, committed, co-operative and flexible. All of these qualities will evolve and grow as children experience school life.

From time to time they will have lapses and this is to be expected as each day presents different challenges, just like it does for adults.

It's only a balloon

Balloons can be lots of fun.

They also are easily available and can be great to express feelings.

For example, if a child has had a bad day, ask them to blow up the balloon thinking about all the things that went wrong.

They can mention them with each new breath taken. Then let it go!! Wow it splatters everywhere and of course makes the appropriate sound.

Then you say..."problems are blown away into the air !"

Children can draw a sad face on the balloon before they let it go.

I have used this with younger children and they enjoy the experience of letting their sad feelings just blow away.