Finding ways to help a child’s anxiety

Anxiety is the feeling where we worry, we feel anxious and we can have a sense of dread. It can come in different forms and with different intensities. Children can have it in different forms and we can expect to see it from time to time in children as they go through various challenging stages in their life.

Here are a few ideas to help cope with the anxiety that can interfere with normal life and limit a child's ability to get on with their day to day experiences. If left for too long it can become quite serious.

• Be prepared. Understand that every child will have anxious moments and you are there ready to listen and understand that for the child it needs to be respected and treated sensitively.

• Keep active. A child that is busy with sport, outside activities after school enjoys games etc. can easily be distracted and taken away from those anxious moments. Also a child can learn that spontaneously taking on some activity can easily reduce bouts of stress.

• Listen with intent. When a child feels anxious try not to question them. ‘Why are you sad?’ Put it another way.

               ‘Something has upset you. I wonder what that is?’

Probing the child to find out what is upsetting them may cause them to shut down and you are left with silence. No one enjoys probing questions when feeling poorly emotionally.

• Allow space. Sometimes when a child is upset or has developed anxiety about something try to give them space and not over-talk or over-direct them. To some degree it is important that they have time to process their worries and to work through some solutions for themselves. Silence can be a useful tool.

• Don’t be surprised that your child does not hear you when they are experiencing some anxiety. I found quite often that children who experience some shock or sudden anxiety block out everything around them as a way of coping for a while. If this happens allow your child some time before you set any expectations on them such as having a conversation.

• Teach your child the art of deep breathing. Practise it together. This is a great way of learning about relaxation. Also, there are some beautiful relaxation tapes. Ask your child to choose one that they can listen to at night to help them sleep.

• Children also love their own contemporary music. They can destress listening to their kind of music. Allow their music around the house and not just restrict it to their room.

• For younger children drawing, singing, dancing and painting are all enjoyable distractions from worrying about problems. Is your home inviting to all these activities?

• Encourage your child to talk about their anxieties. Make it part of your family culture where anxiety is discussed openly. It is best out and boldly in the open. If a child feels comfortable in talking about their anxieties and they are being acknowledged, they have somewhere to go with them. As a model, you too can talk about your anxieties and how you deal with them. In this way we make anxieties just a normal part of our family experiences.

• Once your child talks about some anxiety discuss with them about setting small goals working towards real change. For example, if your child is anxious about talking in front of the class, your first goal could be for them to talk in front of the family.

• Teach your child positive self-talk. When they talk about an anxious situation talk up how you can make it positive.

               ‘I know I can do it.’ ‘I can swim the length of the pool.’ ‘I will do it.’

• Affirmation is especially important when they overcome some anxiety:

                ‘I am so impressed that you went in that competition. Bravo.’

• Children who suffer from anxiety need the stability of routine and discipline to give them security. Also having family meals together and providing plenty of happy family times makes them feel safe and secure.

• There is nothing more off putting for anxiety than laughter, joy and a sense of connection to others.

• Finally, try hard to manage your own anxiety and be open with your child telling them how you managed it and what tools you used to overcome your anxiety. Make anxiety a normal part of getting on with life.

 Don’t underestimate the value of doing nothing, of just going along, listening to all things you can’t hear and not bothering.’

                                                                                    -Winnie the Pooh

Set small goals to set success.

Encourage your child to develop successful habits. It is well known that success breeds success and the more a child feels capable and experiences success they quickly build their confidence which feeds into more success.

Teachers know that when a child gains a sense of success and achievement they are generally happier and more inclined to take a risk and to not worry when they make a mistake. Once they feel capable of success and have demonstrated it to themselves, taking risks is a comfortable process and they’re not worried about making mistakes as their emotional stamina is strong enough to deal with failure.

•  Attract success. A child should have regular incidences of success both at home and at school. They can be intermittent but they come as part of the child’s daily experiences. Remember ongoing success continues to feed  into that sense of well being.

• Do you notice how often in small ways your child is successful and if so do you acknowledge it? For example, when your child learns to skip, do headstands, write sentences correctly, play fairly and well in a sports team etc. these are successful occasions. There are many occasions to show how they are successful. These are small incremental steps but build a body of success.

• Tell your child that they have had a success when you notice it and talk about the positive feeling associated:

‘You must be so pleased with yourself that you can now get your pen license from school. Well done. What a success.’

• A wise person looks to achieve goals that are within grasp. It is all about not sabotaging your sense of possible success. It is about being realistic. You can help your child choose goals that are within reason. Certainly no harm in stretching their thinking but take care that they are not setting unrealistic expectations doomed for failure.

• A child who goes after smaller and more regular goals begins to feel very confident and will wisely choose goals that take them a step ahead.

• Think about how a child learns to walk. Through trial and error they learn and gradually they push themselves a little harder. What joy for them and everyone when they finally walk. Something drives them to keep going as they move from crawling to sitting up, etc.

• Working towards a goal should be a happy experience and should not come with too much stress and anxiety. Too much pressure on a child will make the goal too unreachable and unjustifiably a child will feel a failure. Small steady chunks to achieve reasonable goals is the best way forward.

• Teach your child that celebrating success is important along the way. Make it a family habit to regularly talk about the small successes that your child makes. Be noisy about it and it will appear an expected and  natural part of life.

• Setting a goal that is a long way away means that you need to help your child take small steps to get there. For example, their goal is to learn how to sew and they want to make a dress. You will take small steps in teaching them and applaud the small improvements along the way. So much to learn but with increased knowledge and experience on the sewing machine the final garment is a product of great pride and success.

Finally, be observant and notice those small, incidental, successful steps your child takes and they will do the rest!

                       ‘Success is not final, failure is not fatal:

                        It is the courage to continue that counts.’

                                                                                     -Winston Churchill

Ten great ways to help your child settle back into school

1. Family chats about coming out of the lockdown

Gather as a family and talk about what it will be like going back to school after a long time. Let your child talk about their fears and anxious thoughts, which will generally be all about re-establishing friends, feeling safe and getting back their feeling of confidence in learning. Don’t be surprised or challenged by what they have to say, as it is their time to talk freely about their worries.

2.    Reassure your child that school is a safe place

Reassure them that they will be in safe hands and that their health will be a big consideration with the school. Some children may be anxious about leaving the safety of home given the pandemic discussions that are around. It may have been a lockdown, but for a child, the home created a safe haven. Give your child accurate information about the pandemic, but make it age appropriate. This is important, as unsettling gossip at school can destabilise a child.

3. Plan you way out of the lockdown

Design a plan which may involve you taking them to school, talking to the teacher etc. whatever makes them feel that you are still present in their lives away from home. This will make the transition a more secure one and will build trust in the child in resuming school.

4.    Change can bring feelings of grief

Never underestimate that your child will experience some grief in letting you go. The concentrated time they have spent with you has been for them a time of getting to know their parents more deeply and feeling comforted by your reassuring presence. Therefore, when school resumes, consider still spending dedicated quality time with them as going cold turkey will be very unsettling, especially for younger children.

5. Make home a consistent and safe place

Re-establishing themselves in a school setting will take time as routines and school patterns are slowly re-established or created. Keep home life consistent so that the child feels secure in the boundaries and familiar environment they know and enjoy. Their home has been a comfort zone for quite some time.

6. Check in with your child regularly.

Check in with them regularly about how they are coping back at school. It will be natural that they will have ups and downs, not the least of which will be friendships. They may wish to tell you all is well as not to upset you. However, be open to conversation and not too probing in questions.

‘Sometimes starting school after a long break can be difficult. I wonder how you are going with it?”

 7. Never underestimate the effect of change

Going back to school is an immense change. Don’t underestimate its impact on the child. Therefore, adapt or moderate the family lifestyle to accommodate how your child is coping. This may mean some compromises or simply ensuring that quality time with family is maintained.

 8. Affirm your child’s efforts in being a change agent

Affirm your child’s efforts in returning to school. This is quite a challenge for them on many levels. Your appreciation gives them some reassurance that they are doing their best under difficult circumstances and it is valued.

‘I am so proud that after a long time you can settle back into school. That is a big step after such a long break.’

9. Less talk about the things that bring us down

Keep negative chatter about the state of the pandemic down and talk about the positive aspects as we move forward. This is important to ensure that the children are not building negative thoughts, now that they are in the eyes and ears of a school community. Negative gossip can build anxiety.

10. Don’t underestimate the fatigue from such a change experience.

You may find your child may feel some fatigue, mental and physical in going back to school. This can be from all the new pressures and expectations placed on them which were not the case in the home environment. Plenty of rest at home and a gentle reintroduction into routines, sport etc. outside the home is the best way forward.

It is all about frequent checking in with their progress into the new framework of our post lockdown world.

Early days back at school

The good news is that school is finally back in action. We need to understand that children will still be feeling slightly uneasy given the recent past and the current news and the discussions about vaccinations. Questions are still being asked about the suitability of the injection for different age groups, its effectiveness, new strains of the pandemic etc. Recently, I have heard parents concerned about their children talking about dying. I wonder if all the vulnerable scenarios that have occurred and background news of deaths from coronavirus have made some children anxious about the fragility of life.

Is your child nervous about returning to school post covid?

Here are some suggestions to keep the dialogue going with your child:

• If you listen to the news check in with your child that they understand details accurately and the information is suitable for their age.

• Talk about the positives such as the injection, scientists’ skills in combatting the virus, the wonderful support of people looking after the sick etc. There is definitely the element of hope in all that is being done to combat the virus. Children need to understand the wonderful endurance and science that leads to cures.

• Tap in with what the school is doing to educate the children in managing the virus at school. This is a great topic for all to discuss in the family. This is where home and school can support each other so well.

• There are some wonderful books on scientists who have developed cures in medicine over the years. This is a great time to read life-giving stories of scientists such as Madam Curie etc. These people are real heroes in finding cures and creating medicines that are so effective in reducing pain and suffering. The more our children think about the great stamina and intellect that such people showed, the more we highlight the determination of the human spirit.

• The routine of school will be an excellent way to bring normality and stability into the child’s life. Are there family disruptions that destabilise this routine?  If possible, keep life consistent and predictable throughout the school term. Ensure you inform your child well about any changes.

Remember that your child is living through the pandemic. Their longer-term memories will be very much about how we felt and how we managed ourselves. I am sure they will be looking back and reflecting on how the family operated throughout this time. Keep life a little simpler. Let school be a positive part of your life as it can be such a powerful influence at this time for your child. Schools are stable environments where reliable and trusting people deliver learning. It is a place of friendship and comfort for your child. Embrace it with them.

All eyes are on you at home.

This is a short reminder that when you express anxiety, this can be modelled by your child. They are keen to learn from you in many and varied ways. They look to how you respond to situations and will grow to understand how you interpret life, the way you react to difficult situations etc. No escaping it. As the parent, your behaviour is being internalised and modelled by your child. On the bright side, this can be seen also as a positive. Consider all the various experiences in your life where you display compassion, love, forgiveness and tolerance. Don’t underestimate all the positive behavioural aspects of your life that are internalised by your child.

Often, we say is it nurture or nature that gives direction to the way our children respond to life issues? Whatever the answer, there is no escaping that how you express your life will have an impact on your child.

In working with children, it was not uncommon to hear them talk about the way in which their parents would respond to situations. They were very much in tune with your levels of approval, disapproval and tolerance. They are generally not of an age that can be too discerning and so they will mimic your emotional responses quite often. Consider the following thoughts to give guidance when you are feeling unsettled or anxious.

• Try to express your feelings in simpler forms. Adult versions of what makes you unsettled can be confusing.

• Is it necessary to talk about your anxieties in front of your child? This is where you need to be discerning and especially consider the age of the child.

• Sometimes just stopping and thinking is best before rushing into a response that can be critical or provocative.

• When feeling unsettled decide how you want to present yourself in front of the child. Is it feasible to remove yourself for a while?

Teachers understand that working with children they must maintain an even temper and disposition. In this way, the child becomes climatized to an emotionally stable teacher and classroom. This does not preclude the occasions to discuss feelings of being unhappy. However, such discussions are done in a controlled and responsible way.

As parents, so much happens spontaneously and on the run. Take care to be aware of the presence of your child when talking about serious matters to other adults.

If you are anxious or unsettled, talk to your child in a way that helps them understand what is going on.

“Today I feel quite unsettled as I am starting a new job.”

Here it is about giving them some insight into your feelings without undue anxiety developing on their part. It is also aligning some anxiety as being in the normal range. A child needs to understand how you manage your anxious moments and learn sound responses for themselves.

The essence of this article is to gently remind us that children are very receptive to changes in our emotional state. They need and feel more secure when they see that you are secure. Allowing them to learn about managing anxiety by watching your responses can be a great benefit to them forging strong ideas of self-management.

How you express yourself will have an impact on your child.