Celebrate the differences in the family.
Just how unique is your family? Each person, father, wife, son, daughter etc. have their own qualities which deserve to be celebrated and acknowledged. In the busy life of families, we tend to do more of the same at times and each child will naturally react differently to what is put in front of them. Families often act as a regimented group, it's more efficient that way. What we need to remind ourselves of occasionally is the unique nature of each child. What you notice as different can be a great skill or developing strength.
When working with children who felt vulnerable, it was not uncommon to hear them comment on how they see themselves as different from their siblings. Sometimes, this difference causes problems with the family as it does not fit in with expectations. They perceive their strengths or differences as problem areas. These differences can often just be the child's perceptions or viewpoints or interests. The trick is to recognise their differences and to acknowledge them wherever possible.
Some children are vocal and express themselves strongly, others are more reserved and reflective. Some children show very visible aptitude in certain areas, others take on a calmer, steadier way of being. It is not about placing a value judgement on the child, but rather recognising their uniqueness.
“I just love the way you organise your room. You are certainly a very neat person. A great quality to have in life and a great example to our family.”
“I wish I could sing as well as you. Your voice is strong and unique in our family”
“Our family is amazing. John is excellent at Maths and your strength is very evident in story writing. We are all so different. I just love all the wonderful strengths we bring to this family.”
Note here how we refer to all the gifts and strengths that the family has and how it strengthens the whole family. Within your family celebrate all the differences which make for a tapestry of family gifts.
Consider:
Catching them out when you notice their differences.
Invite your child to talk about the things that they do well.
Comment on spontaneous behaviour which displays their uniqueness, especially in front of the rest of the family.
Encourage each child to comment on what they notice about the other siblings.
Have a brag sheet on the fridge. This is about highlighting characteristics of the child which you want to celebrate across the week.
It is about creating a family culture that applauds differences and celebrates each person's uniqueness.
Each person, father, wife, son, daughter etc. have their own qualities which deserve to be celebrated
Make the most of your mistakes
We all make mistakes and thank God for that!
Einstein, the great physicist, was famous for commenting on how repeated mistakes led to his final discoveries. We need error to check our thinking and stimulate us to look for other ways and processes to be successful. Having said that, it is still often a concern for some children when they make a mistake. Some children develop a fear of making a mistake. In working with children it often appeared to be tied up with their belief that they will let their parents down. Unfortunately, the more they are conditioned to hanging onto this fear, the less they will try as they feel more secure in just not having a go! After all that makes them feel more secure!
Teachers often struggle with this issue in the classroom. At the risk of sounding too sure of myself, I see this problem generally in first children. They are more inclined to be cautious and only take one step forward and sometimes two steps back!
We need to understand that they fear disappointing others. Therefore, we need to reassure them that we applaud the effort not the outcome. It is all about celebrating, 'having a go'.
Here are some suggestions for supporting the child through this habit forming problem.
As a family set up a 'having a go' sheet. Every time the child tells you that they really had a go over some tricky situation put a tick on the sheet and agree to some reward when the chart has completed ten ticks. This is all about changing patterns and affirming the effort.
Be spontaneous and when you notice an attempt, affirm the child.
When you look at the school work that comes home, take care to comment on the work completed and the effort made. Avoid highlighting the mistakes.
Here you say:
“These are where you have growth curves to learn more. We all have growth curves.”
Talk about your growth curves that you are working on to improve yourself.
Across the week when chatting, talk about one situation where you had a go even though it was hard. Discuss how you felt? Take care not to talk about too many successes. Just focus on the effort you took. Keep in mind their fear of disappointing you. Reinforce how happy you are when they simply, 'have a go'.
You could say,
“ I love your efforts. You always have a go and that is what I love about you”
There are some excellent children's feeling books obtainable in most libraries. This could be a great way of talking about fears of making mistakes. Talk to the school librarian or to the local librarian about suitable books. Remember, we are changing their thoughts on what really pleases us. It is all about the effort.
“ Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”
We need to understand that children fear disappointing others. We need to reassure them that we applaud the effort not the outcome. It is all about celebrating, 'having a go'.
Search out opportunities where ever possible. Seize the moment!
Sometimes the days pass with regularity and we rise to meet various expectations. We are so busy just getting through the week and ensuring that we have ticked off all that we need to do especially with regard to children's activities after school etc.
What this article is about is quintessentially to search out the opportunities in the ordinary nature of the day to affirm and acknowledge your child's efforts in many and varied areas, big and small. Incidental praise is very much positive reinforcement intermittently and can be quite powerful and effective in building the child's emotional well being. It is all about the element of surprise. The more you do it, the more realised will become the child's behaviour.
“Well done. You certainly know how well to unpack the groceries. I can start the dinner now.”
“I love the way you play with your younger brother. You are so gentle and understanding.”
In this way we identify unrealised strengths in so many areas. Note that this positive talk is quite specific and outlines why you are pleased, grateful or simply happy with their performance.
The more specific you are, the more genuine sounding is the statement. It also tells the child that their behaviour has had an impact on someone else.
“I really love the way you clean your room. Everything is put back in its right spot and I can walk around the room easily.”
Searching out opportunities is all about noticing occasions when your child spontaneously shows strengths in behaviours which sometimes we just take for granted. I am a great advocate of seizing the moment especially when they demonstrate gratitude, empathy to others or behaviour demonstrating an unselfish nature. This is all about strengthening their emotional literacies.
In the school setting, it is often a feature of the teacher's work. That is to spot the positive behaviour which impacts on others. After all, teachers model such behaviour themselves to the children all day.
Across the day, simply notice those times when your child demonstrates behaviour that does make a difference to those around them. Surprise them with positive recognition. This is optimising their growth. This is positive feedback.
It also helps the child realise so many of the ordinary things that they do, are actually done well
Praising children helps them to realise so many of the ordinary things that they do, are actually done well.
Setting goals is all about helping a child plan well.
Is setting goals something that you do during your week?
Indirectly or directly we are always planning ahead and we understand that in order to achieve certain outcomes by the end of the week, we need to complete some goals. For example, if we want to have a special dinner party on the weekend, we know that we need to plan the menu, purchase items, etc. Sometimes, we are unaware that we actually set goals for ourselves. We become very efficient at processing how to get our needs met. This article is about helping our child to value the planning process and to recognise how setting goals gives us better control of ourselves and helps us in self discipline.
At the beginning of the week ask the child what they would like to achieve perhaps at school by the end of the week. Once they give some indication of what they would like to achieve, talk about setting a pathway to get to that point. For example, your child may be really keen to play soccer after school on Thursday. That is their goal. Tell them that this is a goal. Ask them what do they need to do before they can achieve that goal? Perhaps it is complete homework, do a few chores, exercise etc. Here we are simply encouraging the child to set realistic goals. When they achieve their goals, they gain the satisfaction of celebrating their contributions. They also own the process of achieving their goal.
Teachers are very well aware that when a child sets goals in their work, they discuss with them the steps to be taken to reach that goal. For example, if a child wants their spelling to improve they may set up a plan to learn words each night, get parents to hear them, etc. They design and own the strategies to achieve their goal and that gives them all the satisfaction. Also they learn to evaluate their steps and next time become more astute in choosing the best path to achieve their goals.
As a parent, encourage your child to set simple goals. This could be with regard to home or school. Encourage them to plan out how they will achieve their goal. Make it simple as we are teaching the child the value of setting goals and hoping that they become conditioned to doing it more regularly.
In working with children who were showing some anxiety about school work, I would first ask them to be clear about what aspects of their work were causing them some issues. I would then ask them to talk about strategies they had used in the past or would like to use to set the goal of feeling better about their work. Once they thought about it, I was amazed how they took more control of their problem. They were starting to control their anxiety.
As a parent, we can help by just listening and discussing their strategies to achieve their goal. Talking to them about your own personal goals and how you set them up will help them reflect on the positive impact goal setting had in your life.
Encourage them along the way. Listen, affirm and applaud them when they have a go to achieve a goal. Remember, the point of this exercise is training children to value setting goals as a means to achieve their ends. The motivation behind setting the goal and finding strategies to achieve that goal is a key driver throughout this process.
“If you want to be happy, set a goal that commands your thoughts, liberates your energy and inspires your hopes”.
Andrew Carnegie
As a parent, we can help our children achieve their goals by listening and discussing their strategies. Teaching goal setting at a young age will greatly benefit our children right through to adulthood and beyond.
Show confidence in your child. It makes such a difference.
This might seem a strange topic? Especially as you will say that I always show my child the confidence I have in them at all times. Our children carefully read messages that we give them both directly and indirectly. They are always looking for that special reassurance from their parents. They are keen to gain approval and the more they understand and appreciate your style of affirming them, the better.
With all of this in mind, this article is alerting us to be consistent and clear in the way we show them how confident we are in them.
Here are a few thoughts on the matter.
Use the same words often.
“I am really confident in your ability to do your very best”
After giving such a message ensure the follow up is equally as valid and does not drop intent.
“Great effort today. I could see how much effort you put into it.”
Always keep the same thread running through your conversations, especially with regard to showing confidence in their efforts. Take care that if you are making some comments about improvement, it still needs to demonstrate to the child that you are confident of their ability to have ago. This confidence has in no way been compromised.
Areas in which parents can often fall down here is when they comment on sport. Children need encouragement and they need to feel that their best was recognised by the parent. Take care not to subtly imply that you expected more from them or that you were proud of them but extra effort would have been better. When subtle, negative messages are put into such sentences, the child generally just hears the subtle criticism and so the affirmation has very little value.
I appreciate that this sounds complicated but it actually means that showing confidence in a child is simply and exactly that! You say and demonstrate consistently that you have confidence in their efforts and abilities. You understand that improvement is always part of the process. I have seen in working with children that by demonstrating absolute, uncomplicated confidence in a child, improvement naturally occurs.
The child who feels that parents have confidence in them, naturally take ownership of their own improvements. After all, if their parents are confident in them, everything is possible.
“The way you speak to your children, is the single greatest factor in shaping their personalities and self discipline.”
The child who feels that parents have confidence in them, naturally take ownership of their own improvements. After all, if their parents are confident in them, everything is possible.