Capture the moment and savour the experience.

If you read anything about Mindfulness you will learn that it is about finding peace and harmony in the moment. As parents we are fanatically busy rearing our children, providing for their lifestyle and planning for the future. Everything will be better if we just..... or when we just .....

It was quite a common conversation to have with parents who were always working towards ensuring their child's future was going to be a great one.

“We are busy this week as we are planning for …......”

Do we ever get the chance to stop and savour an actual moment with our child. They are growing mentally, physically, emotionally and intellectually at a very fast pace. Just look at the photos you take from month to month.  Just reflect on your older children and ask yourself where have the years flown?

This blog is simply an encouragement to stop and smell the roses.

When your child is simply being themselves just stop and enjoy. Perhaps linger longer as you reflect on their childish ways. We don't need to wait for the cute moments and capture them on camera. Just enjoy the beauty of your child in the moment. Be mindful of their presence as they settle into you for a cuddle or settle into bed with a book. How about just observing them play? Sometimes, they are just present being themselves in whatever way that is at that moment.

Think about the beauty that you have in your life through their existence and savour that moment.

The days, weeks and years go quickly.  It is about seizing the moment. You will feel better for the experience and start building a beautiful image of your child.

Sometimes, through adversity comes this simple appreciation of things. When a child is very ill and then recovers, we really begin to appreciate the presence and joy of that child.

Try not to get trapped in negative memories or to stay unhappily focused on negative behaviour for too long. Just to enjoy the simple joy of your child is being mindful of their presence.

Consider the following ideas to help with this process of just simply enjoying your child.

• Every day plan to just be present with them for a moment and think about how special that is for you. If you do this daily, it will start to become a  habit and it will start positively changing how you process through problems with your child.
• Take photos and proudly display them. Personally reflect on each scene for a minute and enjoy that moment you shared together.
• Choose a special time of the day which you share together. This could be at bedtime, in the car, at meal times etc. On these occasions, just reflect on what your child is saying or doing. Just stop and listen deeply for a moment. Shut out the distractions around and just be present for that moment. Some parents then like to write  down their thoughts and it begins to form a journal of beautiful self reflections on your child.

Laughter is a great experience to share. Try to find some time when you simply laugh together. One of my greatest fans was my grandmother. I have a lasting image of her dancing around the kitchen with a tea towel on her head. I cherish that image as it so vivid in my mind. When I think of her this image often comes to mind. It is a happy warm image, a snapshot of a remarkable woman in my life.

We all practise the art of stopping movies in between scenes. Consider that we are doing this with our daily experience. You are capturing moments on our emotional lens and savouring the scene. Don't press the play button too soon!

Consider some ideas in this article to help with this process of just simply enjoying your child.

Be a negotiator not a winner

Children need to be heard.

Sometimes this is tricky when they are asking for something which seems quite unreasonable.

Remember your childhood and when you wanted something that was important to you. Who were you more inclined to approach? The parent that had a black and white way of operating or the one that calmly listened. I'll bet it was the latter!

Children always gravitate around the parents who listen with interest and who don't dismiss them too quickly. The best approach is to listen with intent and then discuss why you have concerns about their request. If you can reach some compromise, so that a negotiation happens, the child feels that you have at least understood their needs and were prepared to compromise.

For example, if a child wants to go to a friend's place to play, do you agree that this could happen but only perhaps for a short time? This is considering their needs as well as your own.

If a child asks for an Ipad and this is quite unsuitable, explain your reasons and discuss when and how you would be prepared to consider it, sometime in the future.

It is all about creating a win/win. The child feels heard and valued. You feel that whilst you cannot comply with the whole request, there could be some aspects on which you are prepared to negotiate. 

Giving in to requests that do not suit you or simply saying no, without any thought behind the decision, creates dissatisfaction all round and the child has not began to learn the art of negotiation.

Better to keep in relationship with your child by showing them that you listen and where possible can negotiate.

Sometimes in my experience with negotiating with children, as they became more familiar with how to negotiate, they would be quite humorous and say with a smile,

"Can we renegotiate that Mrs Smith!"

Black and white doesn't win the battle

How to give children a way of understanding failure.

Growing up is such a learning curve on so many levels!

As an adult we understand through our developed emotional intelligence that failure happens to all of us. We also understand that sometimes it takes time and effort to turn failure into success.

We also learn that failure is another way of learning and growing stronger.

A child who has less experience and is not emotionally mature enough to understand failure can see it as quite a blocker to their learning. They can shut down quite easily, being more comfortable in not doing anything rather than “having a go”. The more frequently this happens, the longer it takes to change the patterns.

It is quite common to hear parents comment on how their child has stopped trying as they are scared of failure. After all, in their mind, the best defence is just not doing the work, if it gives you feelings of being unsuccessful. As a parent, this can be quite daunting, especially if you feel that you are always affirming them for their efforts.

I have seen this pattern in many children and no surprises, it is often the first child that struggles in this area. There is no simple answer, as it does require the child developing a set of skills to overcome this fear and this takes time and perseverance on the part of the supporting family. Below are some suggestions for supporting your child's developing  emotional awareness.

With a child who is finding their work never adequate or good enough, affirm different aspects of their work not just offering an overall affirmation.

“I really like the way you drew the line on the page. It's very straight”

 “I am so impressed that you started that sentence well.”

Here you are building positive comments in that are real and the child can see that it is genuine.  But take care not to constantly affirm as the child disengages from excessive, general affirmation.

Talk openly about failures that you have had to deal with and discuss the ways you solved the problem or at least handled the situation. Here you are reinforcing the concept that failure is part of everyday life. This is effective coaching without forcing solutions on a child.

There are wonderful books on building self worth and coping with failure. Book stores that cover emotion and feelings are excellent for this purpose. As you read the stories of how failure was a process that a child had to work through, discuss similar times in your own life.

Keep a success journal. This means that every time your child has felt that they overcome a feeling of failure, write about it as a family. Remember, we are affirming the efforts or tools that the child used to overcome the fear.

Also a success jar is fun where you add a marble every time a child works through a fear of failure.

Talk to your child's teacher about the areas that they notice cause anxiety in your child. This gives you some ideas on what areas to affirm at home. Remember to be specific when affirming.

Use the scale approach.

“You are anxious about that test? On a scale of one to ten how do you feel? Now what can we do to drop that number and slow the anxiety down?”

Here you acknowledge that sometimes you will still have anxiety about the problem but by finding ways to lower the fear, you can cope so much better.

Keep in mind that it is important to recognise their fears and not downplay their importance. This way they know you are really listening to them.

“It sounds to me like you are really worried about talking in front of the class. Tell me more about that feeling.” By listening honestly, the child will be comfortable in talking about their fears.

Discuss with the whole family how important it is to acknowledge the child's fear and encourage other less stressed siblings to not underplay their fear.

Learning to cope with fear is a gradual process and once a child develops some tools to cope better and feels success from this, they begin to strengthen their emotional maturity and identify in themselves the cues that lead to fear of failure.

Affirmation for your child's good work and success is important.  How much is too much and when is it needed?

What's in a school year?

There are four term in a school year.  

A teacher thinks and plans four terms, each with 10 or eleven weeks work. As parents you will soon get into a similar routine of planning around the four terms.

First term is all about establishment, building relationships, getting to know the children in class and establishing friendship groups. Some children are not great change agents and this can take a little time. For some children, it may take the whole term, especially if they bonded well with the previous teacher and class. Teachers are settling into routines and it is important that the parents understand how the teachers work. This way you can support your child best by talking about the teacher's style..

Term two, routines are well set up and expectations very clearly set. This is a time to ensure your child has established patterns of working at home and at school.

Term three is serious consolidation and by this time, teachers have a lot of data about their students where they set goals very specifically for each child. This is also winter time and it is not uncommon for children to have bouts of illness. Keep an eye on their health and make certain they get plenty of sleep around this time.

Term four is a happy one and a time to really deepen their connections with teachers and class. Towards the end of the year, anxiety can creep in with the prospect of change. This is a time to chat to them about the excitement of change and remind them how they settled into their current class. 

 Remember school is about routine and each term has its own character and purpose. 

How can you plan for the different school terms?