Help your child to accept and enjoy their differences
Children's uniqueness is a crucial part of who they are as individuals. Read some parenting tips to consider on how to embrace and positively encourage diversity.
As our children grow through various physical, intellectual, social and emotional stages, they are seeking out their identity and at times they feel dissatisfied with what they feel about themselves. Simply put, this is all about growing up and working out who you are in life.
One important aspect in the life of a child is their ability to identify with others, establish friendships and feel happy and fulfilled in the company of their friends. To this end sometimes a child loses some of their own identity to be part of the group. I would suggest that an important role for parents is to gently remind their children that they have a unique aspect to their personality and this can be embraced and should be celebrated.
This is all about teaching your child that they are different to other people and that this difference is what makes them special. It is about encouraging your child to like their differences and embrace them rather than absorbing them into some peer group image.
I appreciate that being part of a peer group and identifying with others is an important part of growing up. As a parent, there are a few strategies that you can use to help develop in your child a strong self-perception that can still sit comfortably alongside a sense of being part of a peer group.
Consider:
When you spot occasions where they demonstrate their uniqueness talk about it and discuss how it is such a positive aspect of your child’s personality. ‘I am so impressed at the way you care for your dog. You certainly are a compassionate and caring person. A great quality to have!’
Your child’s teacher will know exactly how unique your child is and I am sure they can tell you some great stories about how they operate in class. Learn about these unique qualities and tell your child how proud you are to hear about their differences at school.
From time to time you may have occasions to write notes to your child. This could be a Birthday card, Christmas card etc. Refer to their uniqueness and the special differences that you notice in your child. It is all positive reinforcement. Nothing is wasted in adding little reminders of their differences.
Talk about when you notice how their differences have made an impact in some way to others. There is nothing more satisfying than recognising how a person’s differences can influence and help others.
Sometimes talking about differences can set you apart from others. As a child matures, the more they understand that their differences make them who they are, the more they are inclined to value their uniqueness and like who they are becoming. Just keep gently and intermittently reinforcing that their differences are a gift.
Talk about people that you know and respect, that shine by nature of their differences. I am sure your child can easily talk about their heroes and what makes them different.
Your child can talk about their friends and they can easily identify what makes them stand out as different. This is worth a conversation at home from time to time. Children love a discussion about their friends.
When you are having parent-teacher interviews, it is normal that your child attends. This is a perfect time to talk with your teacher about the wonderful differences your child has demonstrated across the year.
Don't be anxious to repeat affirming your child’s uniqueness. It will really sink in and become an accepted part of the child’s character.
Children use their observations to work out how to treat others and how others should treat them. We can support their developing observations by highlighting differences that are important in life.
When children notice differences between people, this is a time to talk about them and to highlight that differences make the world an interesting and colourful place. It is a time to dull the potential of bias and racism. It is a time to grow in the knowledge that difference makes the world go round.
‘In diversity there is beauty and there is strength.’
-Maya Angelo
The art of bringing happiness to your child
A happy child is one that feels secure and has strong supports around them that intelligently allow the child to grow in an environment that is open, engaging and inclusive. As parents we try our best and the human side of us sometimes fails to hit the right mark. Here’s some tips to help bring happiness to your child - sometimes, in these stressful days, it’s important to help build a child’s level of happiness.
We are always seeking and wanting our children to have a happy life. It’s a natural instinct as a parent to embrace happiness for our children. Of course life comes in all forms and challenges will bring failures, distress, unhappiness and unwelcome surprises to a child’s life. Managing your way through that maze is part of the role of parenting. It also builds character and strengthens a child’s emotional reserve.
Here are a few thoughts that I have reached from my experiences with children that may help build a child's level of happiness.
Consider:
The first thought is that a happy parent makes for a happy child. Children will reflect your mood and sense of well being. Having the presence of a happy parent around is a strong indication to the child that the world is all well.
Keep encouraging persistence and effort. You are not rewarding perfection but you value the journey a child makes in their efforts to do well. Frequent affirmations around the efforts they make keeps the momentum going and shows the child that it is all about the ongoing contributions and not a perfect result.
By your own modelling teach them how to make friends. Show them how best you do this and what skills you need such as listening effectively, empathy, patience, humour etc. Your example will go a long way in teaching them how to build and sustain relationships.
See the optimistic approach to life. Find the positive in situations and when your child focuses on the negative, see the glass as half full. An optimistic approach attracts people and builds a strong happiness component.
We are working on building emotional intelligence in our children. This means that you should show them an intelligent approach to situations rather than using anxiety and reaction to deal with situations. Talk through with them their problems looking at a mature approach to solving matters. Of course how you personally demonstrate emotional responses to situations will teach your child, the best way possible.
Encourage self discipline. This can be done through insisting on finishing projects, completing jobs etc. Perhaps encourage children to wait for special treats rather than have everything instantly.
Be active as a family. Physical fitness and keeping engaged in activities such as sport give so much joy and feeling of self worth to growing children.
Allow failure into the life of your child. They need to learn that failure is part of life and we can learn form such experiences. This means not immediately trying to bail them out of trouble or solving their problems for them.
Slowly give your child progressive independence. Reward them with it when they demonstrate that they can be trusted. Feeling independent is a life giving experience and can be a significant growth curve for a child.
Keep play alive in your family. No matter what age everyone enjoys playing together. Find new and different ways of keeping play alive in your family.
A happy child is one that feels secure and has strong supports around them that intelligently allow the child to grow in an environment that is open, engaging and inclusive. As parents we try our best and the human side of us sometimes fails to hit the right mark. Good I say as after all we teach our children to be human.
‘Sometimes we forget that parenting like love, is a verb.’
- Jessica Joelle Alexander
How to get the best from your child’s teacher
It makes sense that as a parent you feel confident and that you are in a solid relationship with your child’s teacher. It is important to your teacher, and child also. There are many factors that go into running a school and teaching. Parents are naturally emotional when it comes to their children, so if you have any concerns, you’ll have a better chance of being heard when you are calm and responsibly talk about concerns with your child’s teacher.
We all know that building a strong relationship with your child’s teacher is the best way to support your child across a long school year. The teacher has five hours a day across forty weeks with your child and this is such a critical time in their development, physically, socially, emotionally and intellectually. It, therefore, makes sense that as a parent you feel confident and that you are in a solid relationship with your child’s teacher.
Here are some important messages that will help build and ensure you maintain that relationship:
Consider:
Firstly, the teacher needs to feel that they are respected for their work. In today’s world of high order criticism, teachers are easy targets and yet their work and contribution to the life of children is vitally important.
Let your teacher know that you respect the pressure they are under as teachers are accountable to higher authorities, policy documents, etc. Sometimes decisions made are out of their hands can be confusing and misleading for some parents.
Take care that when you are unsettled about some matter concerning your child at school do not talk about it unfavourably in front of the child. Talk to your teacher first. Children can get very confused when they hear parents being critical of their teacher with whom they build so much trust and respect.
Keep an eye out for notes, emails etc that come from the school. The better you are informed, the happier your child is that you are valuing their school life. Schools are big informers so keep an eye out for regular correspondence.
From time to time your child’s teacher may call you up to discuss disciplinary action for your child. Listen carefully to what they have to say and do not react in a way that down plays the teacher’s action. Have a mature discussion about the matter and try to support the teacher’s actions. This is certainly a way of showing respect for them.
Family situations keep changing. Make sure that you keep the teacher abreast of any new information that may affect the child’s school. Teachers are quick to pick up an emotional change in the child. Sometimes they may approach you with concerns.
When you do have an issue always show respect for the teacher and talk to them first. Going to the Principal first only complicates the matter as the principal will talk to the teacher and generally refer the issue back to them.
If you are unhappy with school policies, rules and regulations remember that these have not come from your teacher. They come from Parent Bodies, Education Department rules and the whole school staff. Best to talk to the Principal when concerned rather than thrashing out the issue with the teacher. Their role is specifically the teaching and care of your child.
Take care not to write long winded emails to your teacher. Often what you need to say can be said simply or spoken to the teacher. Emails should be written with care and not used as a vehicle to be offensive. This may sound harsh but sadly I have seen many such emails which have only led to deterioration of relationship with teacher and school. Parents have a better chance of being heard when they are calm and responsibly talk about their concerns. This is also an important example to give our children.
Finally, there is so much enjoyment for a parent to be happily engaged with the school. Also your child feels more content when they see how interested and involved you are in their school life. In my experience, parental support is a driving force for all the staff and school community. Everyone benefits.
‘Schools are great places for all the family’
-Gail Smith
The words we choose to use.
How we speak to our children is long-lasting. Read here for some thoughts on how to manage ourselves in using effective communication with children.
When you think about your impact on the world and most specially your children, consider that what you say delivers important messages and sends out clear vibes to all within earshot.
According to a very early philosopher, Horace 65-8BC
“words once spoken can never be revoked”
Sounds harsh and yes, we all make mistakes in how and what we say from time to time, but the impact can be great and the words lasting, if hurtful. Children are particularly sensitised to the words we use when we talk to them. Careless speech can have a longer-term memory with children. Name calling is taken to heart and can come under the banner of emotional bullying.
Teachers know all so well that the words they use around children will have an impact on teaching them. They realise very early in their career that their use of language can make or break a child’s interest in learning.
Here are some thoughts on how to manage ourselves in using effective speak around our children.
It is often said to have your mind well ahead of your mouth. By reflecting on what we are about to say, we can choose our words carefully, which do no harm, but deliver a good message. Some say stop and think before speaking. A small moment of thought can also slow down any quick temper we may have, which can influence how and what we say.
Watch the tiredness. When we are feeling tired, we are less likely to speak well, but rather more focussed on just getting the message across. Consider if you are tired is it necessary to have an in-depth conversation with your child? Sometimes it is best to wait. Silence can be very effective at times. It allows some mental breathing space.
Using words well can do an amazing amount of good with our children. They often hang on our words and listen carefully for the intent. The more we speak affectionately using a positive tone of voice, they feel reassured and valued. Never fall into the trap of thinking a louder, sterner voice has more impact. It in fact shuts people down from listening. Minds close in an effort to protect themselves from bombarding sounds.
Our children live in a world where less speak and more action on social media which is isolating is seen as better. Therefore, sound, healthy discussions using positive language and reassuring words is important to counterman the shrinking oral language used around our children.
To build a strong relationship which your child you will need to be using language to get messages across, reassure them and nurture them. There is nothing more delightful than hearing words used by a parent that are positive, reassuring, loving and wholesome.
This is about using words wisely and understanding the power of them to build relationships. Careless, thoughtless words are hurtful and damaging. They serve no positive purpose in strengthening relationships.
Of course, we can say sorry for careless words used and ask for forgiveness. The challenge is to train ourselves to avoid such language and if necessary, say nothing. Less careless words used presents a very reassuring image as a parent.
An old saying is: if you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all. What a fine message this is to finish the blog!
‘Choose your words wisely. They reveal your inner character.
-Jim George
Enjoy the present - it’s here for you now to enjoy
Happiness can be found in all of the smaller moments in life. You just have to stop for a moment and enjoy the present.
Did you realize that it is actually a skill to learn how to enjoy the present? Sometimes our focus is often on the past or busy planning for what next in the future. Far too often we use the present to simply prepare for the future without acknowledging the very real presence of the now. Think of how photos slow us down. We stop for a minute and reflect on that powerful image. It was a moment in time that we hold dear.
Teachers have learned the art of capturing the moment with children. Often when something special happens, a teacher will stop the class and together all children will reflect on what it is that drew their attention. This is a way of capturing memorable moments. I remember one teacher who kept a diary of those moments and at the end of the school year the children turned it into a book retelling the special moments that built up the charisma of the class.
Children that love school look forward often to the surprise highlights of the day which make for happy moments and collective joy. Teachers know that such a classroom environment where elements of the day are surprisingly highlighted, will excite children who are alive with interest.
If we notice that what we have now is giving us happiness we are more inclined to weather the unsavoury small stuff that can easily interfere with the day, lowering our mood and temperament. Did you wake up this morning and hear birds singing? Was the sun shining? Did your child give you a hug? Did you enjoy breakfast? These incidences are the small but influential stuff that can give us joy along the way.
I believe that if we highlight around our children the joy of noticing and feeling positive about the moment, it will have a positive effect on how our children monitor and identify their day. This is all about developing a healthy habit of living positively in the present.
Consider how such a disposition can be helpful in the development of emotional maturity and the mental health of your child:
If your child looks to see what is good and happy around them, will they not feel better in themselves?
Children who are by nature happy attract other children who like to feel happy.
Good mental health has a strong base in feeling good and in not letting incidences get you down. With a stronger capacity to see and want the happy moments, a child is drawn less to feeling sad and unhappy.
Children who are conditioned into looking to the positive and happy opportunities of the day are less likely to be drawn into the darker side of unattractive social media etc.
There is so much to learn from the moments of now. If your child is geared to searching for those moments, they will have less interest in the underbelly of trouble which can easily find its way into the daylight.
This is all about choosing an attitude where life has much to offer and I want to actively engage in those activities that are life-giving. Just as you are probably involved in a sport that gives such life joy think about simple opportunities throughout the day that give a positive vibe to life. Go for a walk with your child, cycle together, play games draw together etc.
We all see how playing sport as a child is about enjoying the moment, feeling the exhilaration of what it is that you are doing with the ball etc. If we can transfer some of that happy feeling into moments of the day, we have come a long way in understanding the life-giving habit of celebrating the moment.
The value you have to your child
We appreciate that we are important and that we hold great responsibility and balance of power in taking care of our child. I wonder how often we think about the value we give to our child.
Dr Seuss said “To the world you may be one person; but to one person you may be the world.”
So often as a busy parent we forget about the value we have to our children. We appreciate that we are important and that we hold great responsibility and balance of power in taking care of our child. I wonder how often we think about the value we give to our child.
Dr Seuss said
“To the world you may be one person; but to one person you may be the world.”
Our busy lives strip away the sentimentality and time for reflection on such matters. However, stop for a minute and think:
You make such a powerful impact on the developing life of your child. This then reminds us to take care on how we model ourselves and what messages we give to our children.
The things you value will be initially valued by your child. After some time, they become more scrutinising but are greatly influenced by what you value in your life. For example, if you value being neat and tidy this will be a strong message to your child about how to live.
Your well being is so important if you are to be a parent of much influence with your child. A healthy happy disposition shows your child that personal care is taken seriously by you and strongly valued.
If you are so heavily valued by your child, remember that being authentic is showing your child that you are human and make mistakes, recognise difficulties, celebrate good times and do the best you can. When we aim to be perfect it usually goes pear-shaped and this gives a confusing message to our appreciative child.
A helpful way of looking at it is to imagine your child grown up. What do you think they will think of you? Will they have a very distinctive way of looking back or will it be a mixed memory of how your acted and treated them. Think of your own parents and that journey. By focussing on this thought you realise that we carry images of ourselves into the future and you want them to be memorably happy moments. After all, you were for many years their heroes. They valued what you had to offer them.
In working with children one of the clearest messages I received from children was how they knew their parents. To them, they were an important anchor and bearer of truth. Your word was taken seriously even though some behaviour may have suggested others. This almost spiritual value that you hold as a parent is quite sacred and such a precious parental gift you have been given. Use it wisely so that your child will carry forward all the lessons taught and learnt. They will discard some but they will value many as an adult and especially as they begin to parent themselves. Where else will they get their examples from?
‘Children learn more from what you are than what you teach.’
-W.E.B DuBois
What will your child remember about you?
What do our children really think about us? Are they aware of all our efforts? Do they remember the little details and the extra efforts we make over the years? What is their level of appreciation of us the parents?
As your child grows and the years swiftly move on you will notice that the things you say and what you do is quickly forgotten and replaced with new thoughts, plans and directions as a family. Do we fixate too much on the smaller details of each day? Time seems to work against us as we busily engage with our children over the years. They are preoccupied with years full of different agendas and the shifting demands that are placed on us. What do our children really think about us? Are they aware of all our efforts? Do they remember the little details and the extra efforts we make over the years? What is their level of appreciation of us the parents?
No matter what effort you made, your child will never forget how you made them feel about themselves. They will have images in their mind of how they felt in your presence and how you treated them and valued them as people. These are lasting images and will influence their longer term memories of their childhood and of your parenting. No pressure!
Think for a minute of your favourite teacher. What did you like about them? I am sure that how they treated you was a big part of your longer-term images of them.
The following thoughts may help you feel less pressured and happy in your own faith as an effective parent:
Little mistakes don’t really register in the longer term.
Being a parent with the best intentions is good enough. If things do not go perfectly as planned so be it. Children need to learn that disappointment is part of growing up.
Always watch the way and the intent of how you talk to your child. Be consistent in how you discuss matters. Changing tactics becoming angry etc. will unsettle your child.
Your child does not expect you to be perfect. In fact, they like your natural style and value your honesty when making a mistake. Such honesty and ease in apologising, reassures them that you are human and will be empathetic to their needs.
Whilst it is important to affirm them regularly, they also appreciate your honest appraisal of some of their activities. Listen to their concerns and be available for consultation when asked. Try to involve your child in as much decision making as possible. The more they feel part of the decisions, the more they engage and feel connected to the story.
In making your child feel good about themselves, you need to be honest and open with them. They deserve honesty and value your truth when at times it comes with disappointment and loss. What is a parent if it is not to rear and nurture a happy, healthy individual born from the experience of being a happy child?
Your disposition also has a strong influence on how your child feels and copes around you. The more they feel welcomed and find it easy to engage with you, the happier and more fulfilled they feel. It may seem strange but your style of parenting plays heavily on their sense of feeling valued and developing a healthy self-esteem.
Think about what your child says about their favourite teacher. It is interesting to hear what makes them happy in being around them. No surprise that it will be linked to how much they feel valued and can trust their teacher.
Finally, just relax and take stock of all the good ways in which you parent. Don’t be troubled by small stuff, but keep your eye on the ball which is the longer-term gain of having reared a happy child whose memories of childhood will be warm and comforting thanks to you!
‘A happy childhood is perhaps the most important gift in life.’
-Dorothy Richardson
Keep the conversations alive and frequent with your child
Read here for pointers to consider wayst to help your child process through the days, weeks, months and terms ahead at school. Children will always want to do the right thing and will be anxious if rules are broken or the messages unclear. They will then begin to feel vulnerable and anxious about what to believe. Gail Smith, The Primary Years.
Now that school is back, our children will feel all the demands and expectations being placed on schools with regard to health and safety matters concerning the state of the virus in schools. They will also be reflecting on how they will personally manage under the circumstances and questioning what really makes them safe. Of course, there will be much reassurance coming from teachers and as the parent, you will be putting everything in place as requested by the school and Government requirements.
Actually, whilst we will all do our best, consider what is important to help your child process through the days, weeks, months and terms ahead? Children will always want to do the right thing and will be anxious if rules are broken or the messages unclear. They will then begin to feel vulnerable and anxious about what to believe. What I recommend is simply to keep the conversations alive at home.
Consider:
Conversations should be active and frequent at home with regard to how you are all managing the rules. Let your child tell their story about how their day went and what influenced decisions. Let them feel comfortable in talking about their fears and troubles across the day which at times could be challenging.
Encouraging conversation invites your child to keep the talk going about how they are feeling or concerns they have that need addressing. Schoolyard talk can incite fears and phobias. Frequent parental talk can easily dispel such fears.
Conversations need to be positive about how so many successful approaches are being taken to help at school. Remember that providing hope is an important part of our narrative.
In the conversation invite your child to talk about how the rules at school are working. Talk about a fundamental point which is, that it is all about feeling safe. Demonstrate that you trust and value the work the school is doing to make your child safe. Feeling safe is the bottom line when it comes to conversation
Regular small spontaneous discussions can be the order of the day. It is all about giving children a chance to discuss their feelings and their journey through the pandemic. Small incidental reassuring chats can make all the difference
Be an effective and patient listener when your child talks about their experiences. If any issues concern you try to keep emotion in tact as children will pick up your anxiety quickly.
Talking about issues that make you anxious can be very emotionally tiring. Choose the best time to talk to your children and keep it sweet and to the point. A child’s day should be primarily filled with joy. The topic of the pandemic is heavy.
Remember that classrooms will be frequently discussing their health agendas and teachers will treat it as part of the normal daily routine. When talking to your child about the topic, build it into some normal routine if possible. Perhaps a discussion at dinner or bedtime etc. You will be the best judge of the timing and place.
Finally, the best protection for our children is to keep gently educating them on how we are understanding and managing the virus. Knowledge is power and they are entitled to be in control of that themselves. The more they are in control of themselves, the mentally safer they are and the happier they will be in being personally confident.
‘You’ve always had the POWER my dear, you just had to learn it for YOURSELF.’
-Wizard of Oz’
Think about the value of laughter during lockdown
Victor Borge said,
‘Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.’
Here we are not talking about social distancing. We are talking about mental distancing. Let’s create the shortest distance possible!
When we consciously choose to keep laughter alive in our life, we naturally feel better and connect better to those around. People are attracted to warm and cheerful people. Laughter is life giving.
We know, through research, that laughter is a stress buster and at the moment, hard though it maybe, what we all need is a good injection of laughter in our life.
Children are naturally drawn to being cheerful and happy. So, for them, being in a family that laughs together is a natural and healthy way to live.
If laughter can keep us together, then it makes sense that in these tricky times, we use laughter as therapy. Think about the suggestions that follow to keep the laughter alive in your family.
Use a joke book and each night have some family fun reading out jokes.
Play a joke on your child during the day and surprise them with some laughter.
Watch a funny movie together that brings laughter and cheerful attitudes to the house.
Physical exercise can bring laughter into the home as everyone chats about the fun activities they did on their bike, skateboard etc.
Write little cheery notes and put them under your child’s pillow. This is a wonderful surprise element.
If you have a pet such as a dog at home family fun together can bring laughter to the house.
Play family games. There are many board games etc. that bring laughter and fun to everyone.
Do you have any funny family stories to tell the children? This can often be an entertaining time for all.
Laughter is cheap. It doesn’t cost anything and if we simply look around our home, I am sure you will find reasons to smile and laugh.
Become a witty, fun person around your children. You will get so much positive feedback from engaging with your children in this way. You feel more fully alive when laughing with your children.
Be imaginative. Draw, dance, skip with your children. It brings out the laughter and creativity of the family. This may mean being a little different from the usual person you are, but we are in times where we need to stretch our imagination and accept challenges.
Take care to limit the negative talk. People generally feel better and happier when less negative discussion is around.
Be a little more tolerant when mistakes are made. Less time spent in behaviour management and more time in being happy together makes for a calmer, more cheerful family.
Try noticing less mistakes and problems around the house. This will slow down feelings of anxiety and cheer you up.
These thoughts are all about finding different avenues in which to bring joy and laughter into the home. Every family has their own unique way of laughing and playing together. After all, happiness is a very natural state for a person in which to live. Our physical and mental health is all the better for laughter in today’s unsettling world. See it as another important immunisation against mental deterioration.
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Take care with words spoken
In the heat of the moment, we can say all sorts of things in all sorts of ways. Our mood and temper can often dictate how and what we say in front of our children. We have a liberty with speech which can work for us or against us. There are times when we may need to speak with more definition and there are more relaxed times when we can simply talk with ease, spontaneously and in comfort. Whatever our style of communication through speech, this article is to remind us that it is a powerful tool for the force of good and evil in our relationships.
Often words sharply spoken cannot easily be retracted. When we speak with our children, it is best to remember that they are listening carefully for the intention and will cautiously listen for reinforcing words and a calm style. The words make all the difference to how they will respond.
Here are a few thoughts to keep our speech in check when around our children.
Remember to think before you speak. This is particularly important when you are feeling unsettled or in a situation that could lead to speaking out of turn. Sometimes in the rush of speaking we can lose sight of what we are really saying.
Create space. This means take some time out before speaking if you think you are inclined to say careless things that you will regret later. In this case, silence is golden.
Use language that is age appropriate for your child and take care not to intimidate with strong, overpowering words that can have various meanings. Such is a form of intimidation. Simple language is the best, especially if you have some important messages to get across to your child.
Remember to use words that clearly talk about what you want to say. Children can easily miss the content of what you say through the words you use, the speed of talking and the intonation used. Don’t allow your words to become a destructive tool but rather a building block for strong relationships.
Reflect from time to time if you have used words that affirm and reinforce your child. This is a reminder to your child that they are valued and that you are keen to publicly talk about them in a positive way. Everyone from time to time enjoys hearing about themselves in a positive way. The positive use of words strengthens communication and give a clear message of wanting to engage with someone.
If you are feeling disappointed and need to talk to your child about some behavioural concern, think about how you will say it and what words you will use that are balanced and suitable for the situation. Speaking too quickly without having our mind ahead of our mouth can be damaging for the relationship.
Finally, the words we use on a daily basis, say a lot about ourselves. They are the tools that inform others about how we wish to engage and participate in life. They are a force to drive people away or to bring them closer. Our children understand very clearly that the way words are presented to them is the clear traffic lights of their relationship. Flash onto green whenever possible.
“Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.”
“Lockdown again,” I hear you say.
I wish there was an easy response to how best to support children and families during lockdown but nonetheless, let’s have a try.
Lockdown is in itself a down word. Why not, ‘recovery time’ or ‘time out’. Whatever the name, the feeling of being in lockdown, oh sorry, ‘time out’ can be a real down feeling for all concerned in the family. The following thoughts are to remind us again of some positive thinking in this time when we feel so deprived on so many levels.
The lockdown is to protect the lives of people. We live in a society where at all cost, people’s lives are given the highest priority. Our society values people.
We are really needing to remember the common good. For example, by wearing masks you are looking after other people as well as yourself. By using the QR system you are providing information that can lead to early detection of the virus and fewer people spreading the disease.
There is not much joy left in online school work but in the longer term, more than any other time we can remember, you the parent will have plenty of personal time with your child. This can have an amazing impact on building deeper, lasting relationships with your child. When working across a busy week of school etc, your quality time with your child is greatly diminished.
Have you noticed that your conversations with your child are broader and that you are both looking for joint activities to do more than ever before? This must be continuing to build a lasting, memorable relationship with your child.
Have you noticed new and interesting things about your child? Having more time together gives you more time to simply notice the joy of your growing child.
Of course, as the lockdown increases and changes, as the parent, you need to give further explanations about the shifting nature of the virus. Your information here should be clear and age-appropriate.
This is such a wonderful time to talk together about a serious matter that needs mature handling on the part of the parent. It challenges us to recognise the importance of giving accurate information and also building hope into the conversation. This is such an important time for sound parenting, as the child looks to you for mature family leadership, reassurance and support. Often much of our parenting is done on the run. With the issue of the pandemic so prevalent in our lives, how you handle it around your child will have a major impact on their understandings later in life.
Difficult as it may be, bringing some warmth and humour into the day can make an amazing difference to everyone’s disposition.
Keeping up with the smiles, having jokes, exercising together and talking as a family in a happy and relaxed way on a regular basis can lighten the spirit.
“We must accept finite disappointments but we must not lose infinite hope.”
A few thoughts on school in the month of May
Hopefully, a routine is now well underway. Children should be very familiar with their teacher and class. Homework processes should be well established and weekly patterns with sport afterschool etc. well entrenched in the family’s life.
There are always changes and challenges in a classroom, not the least of which is the social exchanges that happen between children. This is worth checking in on from time to time. Talk to your child and when in doubt the teacher will have the wisdom and knowledge to know about any incident.
Here are some thoughts to keep the school and home life churning away comfortably in partnership:
Frequently talk to your child about the progress of school. Tuning into school discussion is a way of showing ongoing interest even in the ordinary times.
Keep an eye on homework patterns and remember if the homework is a struggle talk to the teacher, do not resolve it at home. There are many theories about the value or not of homework. It certainly should not be causing family disruption when the child isn’t coping. It is not the role of the parent to take over homework. The ownership belongs to the school.
Attend school information nights or class visits when invited. It is so important to keep up the momentum with your child, that school is important and the information they give out is valuable. Your presence at the school means so much to your child.
Keep an eye on the sleep your child gets during school weeks. As the term progresses, winter creeps in, children can be prone to sickness and fatigue.
Is your child coping with the amount of afterschool activities? This should be looked at in light of their capacity in coping with school, homework etc. More activities do not make for a richer experience. It is all about finding the right balance.
Talk about your child’s friends. Be interested in them. It is most important to a child that their friendships are valued by the family. They rely so much on them for social and emotional support. Your approval adds to their sense of satisfaction.
Read the school newsletter around the family. This is an excellent way to keep in touch and discuss with your child the various aspects of the life of the school.
Use your fridge as a way of talking about school. Put notices on the fridge, refer to them often.
Younger students, especially those in the foundation years get school fatigue after a few weeks at school during the term. Keep an eye on this and certainly, keep them home if they need a small break. Best that they are at school happy and learning rather than developing a sense of sadness and tiredness. Of course, negotiation with your teacher is most important here.
During the school term, it is important to ensure that the life of the school which is such a focus for your child is given high priority in the family. It should not be competing with family demands. This is comforting to your child when they feel that what happens in the day does not stay in the day, it can be discussed happily at night. We want our children to sense a strong interconnection between school and home. They need to see that the learning and life experiences they gain at school which are wide and variable have a real place in the life of the family.
“At the end of the day, the most overwhelming key to a child’s success is the positive involvement of parents.”
Judging people can have a powerful influence on our children
Are we prone to making quick judgements of people? I would add, are we very vocal about our observations of others? The delicate question that I raise here is how much do we influence our children on the judgements we make of others?
It is natural to have opinions and often this comes from a life lived with increasing knowledge around and about people. If we find ourselves quite opinionated about people are we in full possession of the facts? This blog is just to remind us that young eyes and ears are around and it is not difficult for your judgements to become their judgements. After all, at an early age, they trust your opinions.
What in fact is life-giving for our children is to be open to all kinds of people and to look for the best and not the worst of people. Having such a disposition is very attractive to others and is encouraging a more peaceful, mature way of being.
At school, teachers can see how influenced children become of others from the images formed by their parents. Once a child has such an attitude, they are working from the negative and not the positive.
A classroom is an excellent setting to teach children about accepting differences and growing to like the difference.
Consider:
Developing the habit of making quick judgements on people can become a life habit. It closes doors mentally and disengages from learning more about people.
Take care with what is said about others in the presence of your child. You may have strong opinions about someone, but I think it best to be subtle and careful in expressing them in front of your child. Let them slowly and gently form images of others for themselves.
Encourage an attitude that everyone is different and I may have some thoughts about this situation or person but there are many opinions to be considered.
Encourage your child to have an open mind when they encounter people with different views or perhaps ways of communicating.
Teach them that having an opinion is natural, but making judgements that damage can be harmful and lasting. Once judgements are made, opinions are sealed and limited understanding comes from making a judgement.
If your child talks negatively about a child in their class, discuss if they can see the good in that child and encourage them to be open to learning more about that person. A closed mind at an early age is not a healthy way to grow mentally and emotionally.
Social media sadly encourages judgment in all sorts of areas to do with people. Monitor what your child watches and have an open outlook on opinions and attitude about others. Teach them to be open to differences and to find some positive in difficult discussions about people that are controversial.
Developing the habit of making quick judgements on people can become a life habit. It closes doors mentally and disengages from learning more about people.
“If you judge people you have no time to love them.”
Laughter. It’s good for the soul.
How often do you laugh? Are you a family that laughs together and often?
Can you remember the last time you had a good belly laugh?
When you think about your past as a child, do you remember people who were always laughing and did this make you feel good?
Laughing is infectious and important for good mental health and for personal happiness. Cheerful people make us feel better and no surprises, we are drawn to them in a positive way.
In today’s climate with so much intermittent anxiety connected to the pandemic, how about increasing laughter in your family? For some, this will be easy but for some families, it may take some planning and work.
Laughter is like a tranquillizer. It makes you feel alive and connected to those who are enjoying a laugh with you. It is a bonding agent.
Sometimes it is not easy to create humour in difficult times but with some creative thinking, I am sure you can find some happy, warm moments at home that can bring instant laughter into the house.
Laughing is infectious and important for good mental health and for personal happiness.
Remember that children love to laugh and crave feeling positive. This is natural to them. They will welcome all the humour you bring into your family life. Your laughter reassures them that they are in a safe happy place. They certainly want to be there.
Consider:
A joke book. Read some jokes at dinnertime. This can be fun for everyone.
Get into the habit of telling your child the funny things that happened to you today. They love to hear positive stories.
Watch a funny movie together. This can be such an upbeat time for families.
In working with children, teachers understand that the tone of their classroom should be positive and happy. To this end, they always welcome a joke and encourage children to share laughter amongst themselves. They understand that joking lifts the spirit. I noticed that if I was happy and talked about some funny situations with children, they were more inclined to talk to me about their concerns.
Shutdown comes with children when they feel insecure and doubt the presence of positivity around them.
Having a cheerful, happy disposition attracts others to you. Having a sense of humour is a gift to cherish. It also lightens the burden of the day.
If our children learn to laugh and come from a home environment that encourages laughter, this will more likely encourage friendships in their life. They then feel comfortable in their connection with others. It also builds their self-confidence in expressing themselves in front of others.
“You don’t stop laughing because you grow older.
You grow older because you stop laughing.”
Sometimes it’s best to just go with the flow
Sometimes it is not possible to be reactive to a situation that is unsettling or perhaps able to control things well. This is life. There are far too many unknowns on a day to day basis. Perhaps even minute to minute basis. At the moment with CoVid still present and appearing in different forms, we need to go with the flow a little more as it ebbs and changes around our community. The more we think it is under control, the more we will be frustrated as rules and health recommendations change.
Good modelling for the child is that they recognise in their family that sometimes we can ebb and flow when pressure builds up. Allowing some flexibility and breathing space in tricky situations allows time to sometimes solve the problem or at least reduce the tension.
Teachers are very aware that sometimes it is simply best to change directions and just go with the flow. This is a saving grace when pressure builds in a classroom. Also, it is worth remembering to be a little fluid can prevent major storms. Avoiding a major storm means that there is less damage control and damaged relationships. Teachers will also measure success not by major achievements but by avoiding obstacles that can slow down and hinder their overall work. This can also be called wisdom.
A few tips:
Read the signs. If pressure is building can I just change directions and accept how things work out? Am I able to accept the fluid directions that can sometimes lead to a surprise outcome?
Am I able to understand that life may not always give us exactly what we planned?
Watch your expectations. If you set very high expectations it can be more difficult to slow down and just go with the flow.
When you have decided to go with the flow, talk to your child as to why you think this is the better option. Demonstrating that you are flexible when necessary is a positive trait.
Do you know successful people that are spontaneous in slowing down and redirecting actions when needed? Talk about their gifts and how this works for that person.
Sometimes fighting and seeking to fly away from the problem can lead to considerable stress. The more we try to control, the more tension and failure can easily be set up. Best to use a wise head and allow some flow into your life. It can also be a joy experimenting with a more fluid disposition.
It is better for children to develop discernment and learn when and how to go with the flow to suit the occasion. Building on such early wisdom can only strengthen their emotional maturity.
“f you can’t fight and you can’t flee-flow’”
Are we expecting too much?
Oh, what a year it has been for everyone! Here we are with a few weeks to go, Christmas in the air and school back in action.
Are we normal again? What is normal and is it important to be back in what we understood as normal? Who knows the answer to that question?
With all the variation of the year, changing expectations and the ever-present idea that we could be back in lockdown if everything goes pear-shaped, are we expecting too much?
Here are a few tips to make for a gentle exit to the year and a happy entry into the holiday period.
Be gentle on yourself. If you notice that you are not operating as normal, so be it! Now is a balancing act of getting everything done for Christmas and at the same time remaining calm.
Keep simple and happy routines going for the children. They deserve to feel safe and be reassured of normality in their life. They need to feel a sense of familiarity in their world.
Don’t set expectations too high with regard to learning. The children are getting back into what is a broken year for school and even teachers will find it hard to assess the performance of the children. You may find the school report quite modified to suit the situation. Remember learning has occurred this year in a whole different way.
Keep home life stable and not too unsettled. Be predictable and reliable when promising children what lies ahead.
Take care when disciplining poor behaviour. Check in to find out what is driving the problem. Children can still be unsettled in the school, with friends etc. There may be some matter affecting their ability to function well.
Take care not too overcrowd the week. Let some form of normality operate in your family life. What can you take out of your week to simplify life for the family? Look positively to the Christmas period. It is an excellent time to heal from our unsettled year. Watch old joyous Christmas movies filled with warm feelings, goodwill and happiness.
Reduce negative talk around the house. This can make children anxious.
Finally, keep up the listening with our children. They need to feel heard as they come to understand what they have been experiencing this year.
“Keep your face always towards the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you.”
SO, WE ARE ALL BACK IN ACTION!
How does it feel to be back into weekly routine with the children at school? Much relief I imagine as well as mixed feelings of having less connection to the children throughout the whole day. These times are curious indeed and we will all have various feelings about what is happening, is about to change again and what is safe and constant in our life. As we approach the normal anxiety that comes with Christmas preparations, we are still dealing with settling the children back into school for a few weeks and planning those summer holidays hopefully with more choice than we have at the moment.
No surprises that the family will be a little unsettled as everyone fits back into a routine, wears masks, shops within 25 Kms etc.
Post Covid 19 - and our new routines.
Unusual times calls for some unusual actions to get everyone through the darkest hours. Here are some thoughts to help ease the stress.
Be kind to yourself, if routine isn’t as you knew it, so be it for the remainder of the year.
Allow the children to be moody and unsettled as they are still finding their balance back at school and in the home.
Check in with your child to ensure that they understand what is happening and that they are not being guided by misinformation which can happen through schoolyard gossip.
Reassure your child that we are getting to the end of the year and with this comes hope for the New Year. We need to build in that component of hope as we work to simply getting better.
Share family time as with the return of school this will mean less time together and to date, you have had an amazing quality time together.
Keep up with family activities as these have probably increased over the past few months and they have been a great healing time together. Reduced family time will be a loss for the children.
Expectations at school will be different and so it is still important to tune into what is being asked of your child. This tells them that your interest in school is still alive.
Keep family conversations going about how everyone is settling back into routine. The child will feel some loss and gain in all sorts of ways. It is best to talk about these feelings and together work through those shifting emotions.
With a few weeks of the school year left and with the approach of Christmas I have three thoughts on my mind:
Slow down
laugh together
share conversations about this year’s journey.
Don’t forget: You the career need nurture.
As we enter into our new norm, post coronavirus, how are you a parent and carer coping? There will be change all around us. Some we cannot control and other aspects we may have some control over. Think about how you are entering this new norm and ensure that it includes your wellbeing. The carer needs to be cared for.
Sometimes as a parent we go on overdrive to ensure that our children have all their needs met and this overdrive can make us quite irritable and out of sorts. Notice the signs in yourself as you get back to normal routines. Are you getting tired now that the situation has changed? Are you also getting enough sleep and personal space to ensure that you are as balanced as possible in how you manage your children?
In working with children and in meeting regularly with parents, it became very clear that a tired parent was not a good listener to their children and sometimes had feelings of being quite inadequate in their parenting. This often had a spiralling down effect and the child quickly picked up on the vulnerable state of the parent. This then fuelled anxiety in the child which sometimes manifested in very poor behaviour.
The more vulnerable and less satisfied the parent, the greater propensity for unsettled behaviour in the child.
Don’t forget. You matter too.
I hear you say that there is the plight of the parent.
Consider the following tips on keeping your own life in check which also includes a good dose of happiness.
In each day where does, the “you” time fit in? This could only be ten minutes but some personal time makes us all feel mentally rested.
Look at the balance of the week with all the timetable and activities set. Can anything change to make your life easier? Remember this may mean sacrificing some aspect of your child’s planned week. However, it is necessary to include your needs in the weeks.
It is important to let your child see how you value some personal time. Have this conversation with them:
“Today I will go to bed earlier as I need some time just to read my book. Please help with the clean up after dinner.”
Do you connect well with friends? Conversations between friends especially those in the same situation can remind you that you are all in a busy time of your life. Ensure that these are positive chats and not just ones to bring you down. Avoid the negative talk as it can be quite destructive.
Bring laughter into your life often. I know one woman that watches 30 minutes of the comedy show a day just to have a laugh and feel better. When you need to address issues with your child, consider how you feel, try to talk about matters when you are less tired and reactive.
Take a walk often. Even a short one around the neighbourhood. Fresh air lifts the spirit and creates some personal space.
Do you have a passion? It could be reading, jogging, the gym etc. Ensure that this is a regular part of your week and try not to reduce this precious time because of busy circumstances. Ensure you let the children know how important this time is to you.
Ensure that around the house are important objects that make you feel better. Photos are great. Flowers enlighten the day, cups of tea are easily accessible. Keep your running gear close at hand. It is all about ensuring the home also is your comfort station and not a working family space.
Catching up with friends for short intervals can also lift the spirits. It is amazing how short intervals of feeling better can generally improve your mood.
Leave messages around the house to remind you about things that are important to you. On the fridge mention your gym days. In the bedroom have your book etc. near the bed. Keep your runners near the door.
Giving yourself visual images of what is important to you, lift the spirit and raise the importance of the activity in the life of the family.
These thoughts are about ensuring that you matter. The more you raise the family’s awareness of the importance of having your special time, the more the family understands that care is for everyone and everyone feeds off each other’s care.
“Be there for others but never leave yourself behind.”
So, let’s talk about mental health.
We are talking quite a lot about the mental health of our children especially during these difficult times living through the pandemic. There is no doubt that anxiety can be present all around us in varying ways. The news, negative discussion amongst family members, statistics every day and so the list goes on to suggest that mounting anxiety can occur.
Your child will, of course, be processing all the news they hear. They will also read the signs you give them through your concerns and let us not forget the very visible presence of wearing masks each day. The mere fact that they are working from home and online presents its own worries and is another example of how isolating it is as a way of life.
We cannot dismiss the above, but we can put in place certain behaviours and actions that help a child cope during these difficult times. It is all about finding strong coping skills during these difficult times.
Consider the following which I believe may have some ideas for you to consider in reducing some anxiety for your child.
We are talking quite a lot about the mental health of our children especially during these difficult times living through the pandemic.
Be happy. Show them some optimistic news such as the numbers reducing. A smile makes such a difference. It is a great feel-good tool.
Talk about the wonders of modern science and how a vaccine will be developed that will combat the pandemic.
Keep busy. Idol time has a way of inflating anxiety.
Set up a schedule where you all are aware of how the day will be spent. Ensure that it is variable and the child has to focus on different directions throughout the day. The more you shift and change thinking, the more rethinking is necessary for the child.
Put into it elements of surprise to keep them guessing.
Play a lot and laugh a lot. There is so much humour to be found with and around children.
Watch humorous movies that bring the family together and show the funny side of life. This, of course, includes reducing individual time with intense computer games.
Is there a significant family project that you can work on? For example, can they paint their bedroom with assistance? Are they able to make a go-cart? Projects that take time and effort can be so much fun. They are impressive because of their scale.
Read more stories to your child. Is there a family time when everyone reads together?
I have mentioned before the value of playing together. Here I add the value of being physical together. This could be playing football, soccer etc. Contact games are a wonderful way to disconnect from problems. The physical exercise releases all the necessary chemicals to genuinely feel better.
Playing music that you can share together and dance for some families can be a great release.
The suggestions are just a few ideas. Think about what makes your family happy and focus on building that happiness up on a regular basis.
“What mental health needs is more sunlight, more candor, more unashamed conversation.”
All eyes are on you at home.
This is a short reminder that when you express anxiety, this can be modelled by your child. They are keen to learn from you in many and varied ways. They look to how you respond to situations and will grow to understand how you interpret life, the way you react to difficult situations etc. No escaping it. As the parent, your behaviour is being internalised and modelled by your child. On the bright side, this can be seen also as a positive. Consider all the various experiences in your life where you display compassion, love, forgiveness and tolerance. Don’t underestimate all the positive behavioural aspects of your life that are internalised by your child.
Often, we say is it nurture or nature that gives direction to the way our children respond to life issues? Whatever the answer, there is no escaping that how you express your life will have an impact on your child.
In working with children, it was not uncommon to hear them talk about the way in which their parents would respond to situations. They were very much in tune with your levels of approval, disapproval and tolerance. They are generally not of an age that can be too discerning and so they will mimic your emotional responses quite often. Consider the following thoughts to give guidance when you are feeling unsettled or anxious.
Try to express your feelings in simpler forms. Adult versions of what makes you unsettled can be confusing.
Is it necessary to talk about your anxieties in front of your child? This is where you need to be discerning and especially consider the age of the child.
Sometimes just stopping and thinking is best before rushing into a response that can be critical or provocative.
When feeling unsettled decide how you want to present yourself in front of the child. Is it feasible to remove yourself for a while?
Teachers understand that working with children they must maintain an even temper and disposition. In this way, the child becomes climatized to an emotionally stable teacher and classroom. This does not preclude the occasions to discuss feelings of being unhappy. However, such discussions are done in a controlled and responsible way.
As parents, so much happens spontaneously and on the run. Take care to be aware of the presence of your child when talking about serious matters to other adults.
If you are anxious or unsettled, talk to your child in a way that helps them understand what is going on.
“Today I feel quite unsettled as I am starting a new job.”
Here it is about giving them some insight into your feelings without undue anxiety developing on their part. It is also aligning some anxiety as being in the normal range. A child needs to understand how you manage your anxious moments and learn sound responses for themselves.
The essence of this article is to gently remind us that children are very receptive to changes in our emotional state. They need and feel more secure when they see that you are secure. Allowing them to learn about managing anxiety by watching your responses can be a great benefit to them forging strong ideas of self-management.
How you express yourself will have an impact on your child.